Delia's Doctors

Home

6. Negotiation



"In scorn I speak not; - they are what their birth
And breeding suffer them to be"- Wordsworth.

Not many days after the date of Ella's visit to Dr. Perry, the indefatigable little girl was seen wending her way toward the residence of his homeopathic rival. She first encountered, not the potent professor, but the lady to whose tender mercies he had consigned himself for board and lodging.

"Good morning, Miss Ella," cried the worthy Mrs. Stipend. " Have you come to see my little Sarah Jane?"

" Not this morning, Mrs. Stipend. Papa sent me for Dr. Liston. Can I see him?"

" Of course you can ; don't he board here ?" was the true Yankee answer ; " but, pray, tell me who is sick."

" My sister Delia."

" Poor young lady !" sympathized Mrs. Stipend. "I heerd that she was quite out of health. I thought that she looked like a ghost last Sunday, when sho was led out of meeting in a fainting fit.

The 'pathic doctor'll cure her. He's a wonderful man. He'll soon have all the practice in Clinton ; but"- and here the widow lowered her voice- " how did your father dare to affront old Perry ? It is an awful thing to quarrel with a doctor."

" We called upon him first, as a matter of course, but he became offended with us."

' My dear," exclaimed the widow, with as great an air of condolence as if all the Thorntons had received sentence of death, " I raly pity you. Doctors know so much. To think of their understanding all the pisons on airth! Why, I was most skeered to take a doctor to board, for fear that some day he might put pison into my tea."

Ella mentally queried whether Mrs. Stipend thought that Dr. Liston would mingle poison in her tea to avoid settling her bill ; or whether she supposed that physicians were a class analogous to the Thugs of India, going through life with a regular system of murder, to be carried into execution whenever a good opportunity presented itself.

Although this was a holyday, Ella had devised employment for every hour, and feeling that she could give no more time to Mrs. Stipend's absurdities, she rather abruptly said, " You told me that I could see Dr. Liston. Where is he ?"

" Why, I meant that you could see him when he came home. He's gone to old Mrs. Marston's."

"I can call again in the course of the day," replied Ella, turning to depart.

" No, no, child ; he'll soon be at home. Come and wait in his reception-room. I want to talk with you."

"With a sigh, Ella mechanically followed her hostess, wondering why the world contained so many vexatious persons, and thinking that Carlyle was perfectly right, when he said that " the American nation consists of eighteen millions of the greatest bores that ever annoyed the earth," and, not once reflecting that she belonged to the same condemned people, and that the distinguished censor would probably have denounced her as an intolerable little pedant, deserving no less than imprisonment in the nursery till her arrival at years of discretion.

Ella seated herself, with resignation inscribed upon every lineament of her countenance.

Mrs. Stipend began : " Now, my dear, do tell me how your ma gets along with that green Irish girl of hers that - "

A shrill voice from the lower regions here called, " Miss Stipend, Miss Stipend, the lobsters are jumping out of the kettle!"

The lady precipitated herself over the stairs. Meantime, Ella, at the door of the room in which she had been left, was demanding an explanation with almost childish terror. For some moments, she received no answer. Then Mrs. Stipend reappeared, flushed and panting.

" Oh, my dear," she breathlessly exclaimed, " the trials of house-keeping! What a sacrifice I make of my feelings by having boarders !"

" Why do you take boarders, if you find the care of them so oppressive? "

" Ah, Miss Ella, a lone widow must earn a living some way; but I raly believe poor Mr. Stipend would come out of his grave, if he knew what I have to suffer."

The disconsolate woman now commenced rocking with great vehemence, ever and anon wiping away the tears which were flowing with a profusion that astonished her strong-minded little guest.

Thinking to divert the mourner's attention from the contemplation of her own sorrows, and stimulated also by the feelings of a true daughter of Eve, the little girl ventured to inquire, " Will you tell me, Mrs. Stipend, the cause of your recent alarm ? I did not know that people ever had live lobsters in their houses."

Mrs. Stipend raised her hands and eyes, uttering sundry incoherent ejaculations of horror. "That comes, Miss Ella, from spending all your time over your books. Girls ought to learn housekeeping."

" I intend, madam, to become thoroughly acquainted with every branch of domestic economy, and I therefore entreat that you will immediately give me a lesson on lobsters."

" You are a queer child. Well, in the first place, you know that lobsters are alive before they are killed."

" Yes, madam," replied Ella, with a conntenanee, the admirably demure expression of which was comically tinged with burlesque, "lam well aware of the fact."

" Well, instead of buying them all cooked, I have 'em brought here alive, and kill 'em myself."

Ella slightly screamed.

" How do you kill them ?"

"Boil 'em alive. I bought half a dozen this morning. When Martha put 'em into the hot water, the pain made 'em jump out."

Ella sat aghast. Her first thought was a resolution never again to partake of lobster. Kecollecting, however, that this crustaceous animal was one of her favorite articles of food, she ingeniously reasoned that if the kettle were sufficiently deep for the immersion of the unfortunate victim, the slaughter might be effected without causing any more pain than is produced by the spearing of swine, the strangling of fowls, or the harpooning of whales. But it was a sad subject, and she was fast falling into a profound metaphysical reverie, trying to solve the intricate problem concerning the suffering of agents incapable of committing acts of either good or bad moral character, when she was aroused by Mrs. Stipend, who hastily said, " Dear, dear Miss Ella, don't look so solemn. I do it to save money. It would make a great difference if all the lobsters I buy were prepared by the fishermen."

" I should think that you would rather give a little more money than to kill the poor creatures yourself."

" I assure you, child, a poor lone widow has to contrive, as I told my boarders the other day, when they grumbled because I put pounded crackers instead of eggs into the squash pies."

Ella's lip, which, it must be confessed, had rather a scornful contour, involuntarily curled with disdain. She contrasted Adelaide's noble, generous economy, with Mrs. Stipend's mean, despicable parsimony. She longed for the appearance of Dr. Liston, that she might depart. Finally, she pre,sumed to ask, " Will you be so kind, Mrs. Stipend, as to inform Dr. Liston that his presence is desired at Mr. Thornton's ?"

" Why, yes, child, if you raly must go, but do stay and see the doctor for yourself. Come, I'll find something to entertain you."

She now drew from her pocket a letter, and said, " Of course, you remember my son Johnny."

Ella's features were contracted for a moment as she recalled the image of the awkward youth, who, sitting in a pew contiguous to her father's at church, chose to peer into her bonnet, instead of directing his attention to the sermons of the Rev. Dr. Lcland. Conscious that Mrs. Stipend was endeavoring to read the expression of her countenance, she blushed deeply as she answered, " I remember him perfectly well."

" Oh," exclaimed the enraptured mother, .maliciously gazing upon the crimsoned visage of her victim, "all the girls blush and smile when Johnny's name is mentioned, but don't be afeerd, my dear, you're the one ; Johnny said he was going to Californy to get gold enough to marry Ella Thornton."

" Mrs. Stipend !" thundered Ella, " I would not marry your son if he were the possessor of all the gold of California." Here the infuriated little girl placed peculiar stress upon the last two vowel sounds in the mispronounced name of the famed resort of the money-seekers ; " I would not marry him if he were the heir of that queen ' upon whose dominions the sun never sets' " - the energetic speaker suddenly paused, recollecting some rather sermonic discourse which she had recently held with her brother Charles, and then resumed, with unusual gentleness, " you must remember, Mrs. Stipend, that I am yet too young to think of any gentleman as a lover. If I ever marry, I shall not do so before the age of twenty-five."

" Why, child, some girls are married at sixteen. You arn't at all too young to think of the subject."

" I beg leave to differ," replied Ella, calmly. " Physiology teaches that neither man nor woman should marry till the constitution has become consolidated. By the old laws of Athens, a man was not allowed to marry before the age of thirty-five, nor a woman before the age of twenty-six. In my (pinion, those were very good regulations."

" Pray don't talk like doctors and lawyers, Miss Ella."

" Well, what education can a woman have who marries at sixteen or eighteen ?"

" Oh, a very good one. See how well I get along. I never looked into a lesson-book after I was fourteen, and I married at seventeen."

Ella thought that Mrs. Stipend's appearance and conversation were a practical commentary on her words, and that there was no absolute need of a formal statement of her educational deficiencies; but, believing it preposterous to try to convince her of the error of her opinions, and benevolently desirous of gratifying the fond mother's vanity, she asked, " Does your son like California?"

Mrs. Stipend's good nature instantly returned. With beaming looks she said, "You shall hear his letter, my dear."

I will spare my readers the infliction suffered by Ella, as she listened to a very commonplace epistle, abounding in so many errors, both of syntax and style, that it would have served as an admirable exercise for the emendations of a student in either of those branches of knowledge. The mother's elocution was as great a curiosity as the son's composition. The closing words of every sentence were read in a very high key, and with marked emphasis, while those which led the van were so softly uttered, that they could hardly be heard by the amused auditor. Ella's impatience gradually gave place to keen enjoyment of the ludicrous, and nearly unable to preserve her gravity, she silently listened to the performance.

"There, Miss Ella," remarked the mother, as she carefully refolded the letter, " that young gentleman'll be a fine husband for somebody" - here she nodded and simpered, while the young lady quietly enjoyed the scene.

" I've been thinking," resumed the happy mother, " that this 'ere letter ought to go into the ' Clinton Chronicle.' Don't you s'pose, my dear, that the editor 'd be charmed to 'ave it ? Every thing from Californy takes, 'specially a letter like this 'ere, from a man born and edicated in Clinton. I've never seen any thing in the newspaper equal to Johnny's writing."

Ella thought that she had not, but she carefully refrained from expressing her opinion.

" Come, Miss Ella," persisted the mother, eager for some tribute of praise, " isn't it very fine?"

Ella blushed, hesitated, and played with her gloves. She at length observed, " It certainly contains a very graphic description of San Francisco."

" Yes, my dear, that's a fact ; now, as you go home, why can't you take it to the editor, and tell him that it's for the newspaper, and that it came from a young gentleman, a particular friend of yours ?"

Ella started as if she had received an electric shock.

" Impossible, madam, I can not consent. "

Intimidated by Ella's manner, Mrs. Stipend did not venture to press the subject. But she soon relapsed into her patronal mood.

" Well, my dear, of course you're bashful about it ; I'll go myself, and I'll take care to tell the editor that Miss Ella Thornton says it's a very - graphic - yes, that's the word - a very graphic description of San Francisco."

" Mrs. Stipend," exclaimed Ella, grasping the woman's dress in her panic, " you must not mention my name !"

" Dear, dear child, don't look so like a wild creeter. You needn't be afeerd. I won't say a word about you. I know jest how you feel. I'm going now. The paper comes out tomorrow."

Ella held her breath till her tormentor had quitted the room. Then, no longer able to repress her merriment, she leaped violently into the air, threw her arms over her head, and resembled, for the time being, a person in the transports of delirium. Had Dr. Liston entered at that moment, he would have thought her a fit subject for his experiments in behalf of the insane. Before she had entirely recovered, Mrs. Stipend re-entered, half equipped for her excursion. In lisping accents, she said, " My dear child, will you have the goodness to throw my shawl over my shoulders ?"

Ella, who was remarkably independent in her personal habits, never applying to 'any one for assistance in the completion of her toilet, unconsciously smiled as she attempted to comply with the polite request.

The shawl being adjusted, Mrs. Stipend stood awhile before the doctor's mirror, contemplating her appearance. Indeed, both her dress and its arrangement were a curious exhibition. Although professing immitigable grief for the loss of her husband, she wore a large, open bonnet, profusely decorated with rainbow-hued ribbon. As she always assumed great floral taste, and also profound reverence for the trophies of art, she carried on each side of her face, in the cavity between her hair and her bonnet, quite a parterre of nondescript flowers and foliage, manufactured of glazed cambric and taffeta. A skillful botanist would have been puzzled in attempting to classify these unique specimens of horticulture. She Avore a kaleidoscopic dress, disfigured by three deep flounces ; and a large scarlet shawl, with a green and yellow border. Salmon-colored gloves, and bronze slippers, completed her extraordinary attire. She stood some ten minutes, in mute admiration of her own taste, turning from one side to the other, alternately directing her visual organs over each shoulder, and making strenuous efforts to view her costume from every position. Then, tightly clasping* Johnny's precious missive in her hand, she daintily trod the main street of Clinton, to visit the doomed editor of the "Chronicle."