The Jest Book

16. A Stout Swimmer

MDXLI.--A STOUT SWIMMER.

SOME one jocularly observed to the Marquis Wellesley, that, in his arrangements of the ministry, his brother, the Duke, had thrown him overboard. "Yes," said the Marquis; "but I trust I have strength enough to swim to the other side."

MDXLII.--A CHOICE OF EVILS.

ONE asked his friend, why he married so little a wife? "Why," said he, "I thought you knew, that of all evils we should choose the least."

MDXLIII.--RESTING HERSELF.

A LABORER'S daughter, who had been in service from her childhood, would frequently wish to be married, that, as she expressed herself, she might rest her bones. Some time afterwards she got married, and her late mistress meeting her, asked her, "Well, Mary, have you rested your bones yet?"--"Yes, indeed," replied she, with a sigh, "I have rested my jaw-bones."

MDXLIV.--A CHARTIST NOT A LEVELLER.

A CHARTIST at a public meeting, in the course of a speech about the "five points" of the charter, exclaimed, "Gentlemen, is not one man as good as another?"--"Uv course he is," shouted an excited Irish chartist, "and a great deal betther."

MDXLV.--DEATH AND DR. BOLUS.

"MY dart," cried Death, "I cannot find,
So now I'm quite at sea."
Quoth Dr. Bolus, "Never mind,--
There, take this recipe."

MDXLVI.--AN EVASION.

A WELL-DRESSED fellow walked into a room where they were talking politics, and, stretching himself up to his full height, exclaimed, in a loud voice, "Where is a radical? Show me a radical, gentlemen, and I'll show you a liar!" In an instant a man exclaimed, "I am a radical, sir!"--"You are?"--"Yes, sir, I am;"--"Well, just you step round the corner with me, and I'll show you a fellow who said I couldn't find a radical in the ward. Ain't he a liar, I should like to know?"

MDXLVII.--GOING FROM THE POINT.

CURRAN, in describing a speech made by Sergeant Hewitt, said: "My learned friend's speech put me exactly in mind of a familiar utensil in domestic use, commonly called an extinguisher. It began at a point, and on it went widening and widening, until at last it fairly put the question out altogether."

MDXLVIII.--DEFINING A CREED.

A FRIEND of Sydney Smith inquired, "What is Puseyism!" To which the witty canon replied: "Puseyism, sir, is inflexion and genuflexion; posture and imposture; bowing to the east, and curtseying to the west."

MDXLIX.--A BIT OF MOONSHINE.

BROUGHAM, speaking of the salary attached to a new judgeship, said it was all moonshine. Lyndhurst, in his dry and waggish way, remarked, "May be so, my Lord Harry; but I have a strong notion that, moonshine though it be, you would like to see the first quarter of it."

MDL.--EPIGRAM.

WHEN at the head of our most gracious king,
Disloyal Collins did his pebble fling,--
"Why choose," with tears the injured monarch said,
"So hard a stone to break so soft a head?"

MDLI.--A KIND HINT.

LORD GREY complains that he cannot succeed in pleasing any party. He should follow the example of duellists, and by going out he would certainly give satisfaction.

MDLII.--PRIEST'S ORDERS.

AN actor named Priest was playing at one of the principal theatres. Some one remarked to the Garrick Club that there were a great many men in the pit. "Probably clerks who have taken Priest's orders," said Mr. Poole, one of the best punsters as well as one of the cleverest comic satirists of the day.

MDLIII.--SHERIDAN AND BURKE.

AFTER a very violent speech from an opposition member, Mr. Burke started suddenly from his seat, and rushed to the ministerial side of the house, exclaiming with much vehemence, "I quit the camp! I quit the camp!"--"I hope," said Mr. Sheridan, "as the honorable gentleman has quitted the camp as a deserter, he will not return as a spy."

MDLIV.--ALWAYS THE BETTER.

A CAMBRIDGE tutor said to his pupil, "If you go over to Newmarket, beware of betting, for in nine cases out of ten it brings a man to ruin."--"Sir," said the youth, "I must really differ from you; so far from ever being the worse for it, I have invariably been the better."

MDLV.--A PUNGENT PINCH.

WHEN Curran was cross-examining Lundy Foot, the celebrated Irish tobacconist, he put a question at which Lundy hesitated a great deal: "Lundy," exclaimed Curran, "that's a poser,--a deuse of a pinch, Lundy!"

MDLVI.--"OFF WITH HIS HEAD."

AN EMINENT painter, who had suffered, under the common malady of his profession, namely, to paint portraits for persons who neither paid for them nor took them away, sent word to an ugly customer who refused to pay, that he was in treaty for the picture with the landlord of the "Saracen's Head." It was paid for immediately.

MDLVII.--ON A GREAT TALKER.

TO hear Dash by the hour blunder forth his vile prose,
Job himself scarcely patience could keep;
He's so dull that each moment we're ready to doze,
Yet so noisy we can't go to sleep.

MDLVIII.--DRY HUMOR.

AN Irish post-boy having driven a gentleman a long stage during torrents of rain, was asked if he was not very wet? "Arrah! I wouldn't care about being very wet, if I wasn't so very dry, your honor."

MDLIX.--CHANGE FOR A GUINEA.

THE beautiful Lady Coventry was exhibiting to Selwyn a splendid new dress, covered with large silver spangles, the size of a shilling, and inquired of him whether he admired her taste. "Why," he said, "you will be change for a guinea."

MDLX.--AS BLACK AS HE COULD BE PAINTED.

A LITTLE boy one day came running home, and said, "O father, I've just seen the blackest man that ever was!"--"How black was he, my son?"--"O, he was as black as black can be! why, father, charcoal would make a white mark on him!"

MDLXI.--A MAN AND A BROTHER.

HARRY WOODWARD, walking with a friend, met a most miserable object, who earnestly solicited their charity. On Woodward giving a few pence, his friend said, "I believe that fellow is an impostor."--"He is either the most distressed man, or the best actor, I ever saw in my life," replied the comedian: "and, as either one or the other, he has a brotherly claim upon me."

MDLXII.--PULLING UP A POET.

A POET was once walking with T----, in the street, reciting some of his verses. T---- perceiving, at a short distance, a man yawning, pointed him out to the poet, saying, "Not so loud, he hears you."

MDLXIII.--AN HONOR TO TIPPERARY.

A GENTLEMAN from Ireland, on entering a London tavern, saw a countryman of his, a Tipperary squire, sitting over his pint of wine in the coffee-room. "My dear fellow," said he, "what are you about? For the honor of Tipperary, don't be after sitting over a pint of wine in a house like this!"--"Make yourself aisy, countryman," was the reply, "It's the seventh I have had, and every one in the room knows it."

MDLXIV.--WITTY THANKSGIVING.

BARHAM having sent his friend, Sydney Smith, a brace of pheasants, the present was acknowledged in the following characteristic epistle: "Many thanks, my dear sir, for your kind present of game. If there is a pure and elevated pleasure in this world, it is that of roast pheasant and bread sauce; barn-door fowls for dissenters, but for the real churchman, the thirty-nine times articled clerk, the pheasant, the pheasant.--Ever yours, S.S."

MDLXV.--A REASON FOR NOT MOVING.

THOMSON, the author of the "Seasons," was wonderfully indolent. A friend entered his room, and finding him in bed, although the day was far spent, asked him why he did not get up. "Man, I hae nae motive," replied the poet.

MDLXVI.--KILLED BY HIS OWN REMEDY.

THE surgeon of an English ship of war used to prescribe salt water for his patients in all disorders. Having sailed one evening on a party of pleasure, he happened by some mischance to be drowned. The captain, who had not heard of the disaster, asked one of the tars next day if he had heard anything of the doctor. "Yes," answered Jack: "he was drowned last night in his own medicine chest."

MDLXVII.--NOTHING SURPRISING.

ADMIRAL LEE, when only a post captain, being on board his ship one very rainy and stormy night, the officer of the watch came down to his cabin and cried, "Sir, the sheet-anchor is coming home."--"Indeed," says the captain, "I think the sheet-anchor is perfectly in the right of it. I don't know what would stay out such a stormy night as this."

MDLXVIII.--RUNNING NO RISK.

"I'M very much surprised," quoth Harry,
"That Jane a gambler should marry."
"I'm not at all," her sister says,
"You know he has such winning ways;"

MDLXIX.--A HUMORIST PIQUED.

THEODORE HOOK was relating to his friend, Charles Mathews, how, on one occasion, when supping in the company of Peake, the latter surreptitiously removed from his plate several slices of tongue; and, affecting to be very much annoyed by such practical joking, Hook concluded with the question, "Now, Charles, what would you do to anybody who treated you in such a manner?"--"Do?" exclaimed Mathews, "if any man meddled with my tongue, I'd lick him!"

MDLXX.--NOT ROOM FOR A NEIGHBOR.

A LANDED proprietor in the small county of Rutland became very intimate with the Duke of Argyle, to whom, in the plenitude of his friendship, he said: "How I wish your estate were in my county!" Upon which the duke replied: "I'm thinking, if it were, there would be no room for yours."

MDLXXI.--AN UNEXPECTED CANNONADE.

AT one of the annual dinners of the members of the Chapel Royal, a gentleman had been plaguing Edward Cannon with a somewhat dry disquisition on the noble art of fencing. Cannon for some time endured it with patience; but at length, on the man remarking that Sir George D---- was a great fencer, Cannon, who disliked him, replied, "I don't know, sir, whether Sir George is a great fencer, but Sir George is a great fool!" A little startled, the other rejoined, "Possibly he is; but then, you know, a man may be both."--"So I see, sir," said Cannon, turning away.

MDLXXII.--ON BUTLER'S MONUMENT.

WHILE Butler, needy wretch, was yet alive,
No generous patron would a dinner give.
See him, when starved to death and turned to dust,
Presented with a monumental bust.
The poet's fate is here in emblem shown,--
He asked for bread, and he received a stone.

MDLXXIII.--A WORD IN SEASON.

MRS. POWELL the actress was at a court of assize when a young barrister, who rose to make his maiden speech, suddenly stopped short and could not proceed. The lady, feeling for his situation, cried out, as though he had been a young actor on his first appearance, "Somebody give him the word,--somebody give him the word!"

MDLXXIV.--"GETTING THE WORST OF IT."

PORSON was once disputing with an acquaintance, who, getting the worst of it, said, "Professor, my opinion of you is most contemptible."--"Sir," returned the great Grecian, "I never knew an opinion of yours that was not contemptible."

MDLXXV.--A SATISFACTORY EXPLANATION.

ONE of the curiosities some time since shown at a public exhibition, professed to be a skull of Oliver Cromwell. A gentleman present observed that it could not be Cromwell's, as he had a very large head, and this was a small skull. "O, I know all that," said the exhibitor, undisturbed, "but you see this was his skull when he was a boy."

MDLXXVI.--"I TAKES 'EM AS THEY COME."

A CANTAB, one day observing a ragamuffin-looking boy scratching his head at the door of Alderman Purchase, in Cambridge, where he was begging, and thinking to pass a joke upon him, said, "So, Jack, you are picking them out, are you?"--"Nah, sar," retorted the urchin; "I takes 'em as they come!"

MDLXXVU.--A CLIMAX.

THE late Earl Dudley wound up an eloquent tribute to the virtues of a deceased Baron of the Exchequer with this pithy peroration: "He was a good man, an excellent man. He had the best melted butter I ever tasted in my life."

MDLXXVIII.--BLANK CARTRIDGE.

EPIGRAM on the occasion of the duel between Tom Moore, the poet, and Francis Jeffrey:--

When Anacreon would fight, as the poets have said,
A reverse he displayed in his vapor,
For while all his poems were loaded with lead,
His pistols were loaded with paper.
For excuses, Anacreon old custom may thank,
Such a salvo he should not abuse;
For the cartridge, by rule, is always made blank,
Which is fired away at Reviews.

MDLXXIX.--SERMONS IN STONES.

THE Duke of Wellington having had his windows broken by the mob, continued to have boards before the windows of his house in Piccadilly. "Strange that the Duke will not renounce his political errors," said A'Beckett, "seeing that no pains have been spared to convince him of them."

MDLXXX.--EARLY HABITS.

THERE was in Wilkes's time a worthy person, who had risen from the condition of a bricklayer to be an alderman of London. Among other of his early habits, the civic dignitary retained that of eating everything with his fingers. One day a choice bit of turbot having repeatedly escaped from his grasp, Wilkes, who witnessed the dilemma, whispered, "My lord, you had better take your trowel to it."

MDLXXXI.--LAW AND THE SCOTTISH THANE.

DURING the representation of "Macbeth," an eminent special pleader graced the boxes of Drury Lane Theatre, to see it performed. When the hero questions the Witches, as to what they are doing: they answer, "a deed without a name." Our counsellor, whose attention was at that moment directed more to Coke upon Littleton than to Shakespeare, catching, however, the words in the play, repeated, "A deed without a name; why, 't is void."

MDLXXXII.--NOT TO BE BELIEVED.

THE following lines were addressed to a gentleman notoriously addicted to the vice which has been euphemistically described as "the postponement of the truth for the purposes of the moment":--

Whoe'er would learn a fact from you,
Must take you by contraries;
What you deny, perhaps is true;
But nothing that you swear is.

MDLXXXIII.--A REASON FOR POLYGAMY.

AN Irishman was once brought up before a magistrate, charged with marrying six wives. The magistrate asked him how he could be so hardened a villain? "Please your worship," says Paddy, "I was just trying to get a good one."

MDLXXXIV.--BYRON LIBELLOUS.

THE conversation at Holland House turning on first love, Thomas Moore compared it to a potato, "because it shoots from the eyes."--"Or rather," exclaimed Lord Byron, "because it becomes less by pairing."

MDLXXXV.--A TERRIBLE POSSIBILITY.

AN acquaintance remarked to Dr. Robert South, the celebrated preacher at the court of Charles the Second, "Ah! doctor, you are such a wit!" The doctor replied, "Don't make game of people's infirmities: you, sir, might have been born a wit!"

MDLXXXVI.--ATTIRED TO TIRE.

SIR JOSEPH JEKYLL wrote the following impromptu, on observing a certain sergeant, well known for his prosiness, bustling into the Court of King's Bench, where he was engaged in a case:--

Behold the sergeant full of fire,
Long shall his hearers rue it;
His purple garments came from Tyre,
His arguments go to it.

MDLXXXVII.--A SMALL JOKE.

MR. DALE, who it would appear was a short stout man, had a person in his employment named Matthew, who was permitted that familiarity with his master which was so characteristic of the former generation. One winter day, Mr. Dale came into the counting-house, and complained that he had fallen on the ice. Matthew, who saw that his master was not much hurt, grinned a sarcastic smile. "I fell all my length," said Mr. Dale. "Nae great length, sir," said Matthew. "Indeed, Matthew, ye need not laugh," said Mr. Dale, "I have hurt the sma' of my back."--"I wunner whaur that is," said Matthew.

MDLXXXVIII.--A VAIN THREAT.

"MR. BROWN, I owe you a grudge, remember that!"--"I shall not be frightened then, for I never knew you to pay anything that you owe."

MDLXXXIX.--POOR LAW.

"PRAY, my lord," asked a fashionable lady of Lord Kenyon, "what do you think my son had better do in order to succeed in the law?"--"Let him spend all his money: marry a rich wife, and spend all hers: and when he has not got a shilling in the world, let him attack the law." Such was the advice of an old Chief Justice.

MDXC.--CAUSE AND EFFECT.

IT is too true that there are many patriots, who, while they bleat about the "cause of liberty," act in so interested a manner that they are evidently looking more after the effects.

MDXCI.--A FAIR DISTRIBUTION.

WHEN the British ships under Lord Nelson were bearing down to attack the combined fleet off Trafalgar, the first lieutenant of the "Revenge," on going round to see that all hands were at quarters, observed one of the men,--an Irishman,--devoutly kneeling at the side of his gun. So very unusual an attitude exciting his surprise and curiosity he asked the man if he was afraid. "Afraid," answered the tar, "no, your honor; I was only praying that the enemy's shot may be distributed in the same proportion as the prize-money,--the greatest part among the officers."

MDXCII.--SOMETHING SHARP.

WHEN we heard ---- say a thing of some acidity the other night in the House of Commons, the honorable member reminded us of a calf's head with a lemon in it.--G. A'B.

MDXCIII.--AN AFFECTIONATE HINT.

A NAMESAKE of Charles Fox having been hung at Tyburn, the latter inquired of George Selwyn whether he had attended the execution? "No," was his reply, "I make a point of never attending rehearsals;"

MDXCIV.--A SIMILE.

VANE'S speeches to an hour-glass,
Do some resemblance show;
Because the longer time they run,
The shallower they grow!

MDXCV.--A WIDE DIFFERENCE.

ROWLAND HILL rode a great deal, and exercise preserved him in vigorous health. On one occasion, when asked by a medical friend what physician and apothecary he employed, to be always so well, he replied, "My physician has always been a horse, and my apothecary an ass;"

MDXCVI.--ASPIRING POVERTY.

A ROMAN Catholic prelate requested Pugin, the architect, to furnish designs, etc., for a new church. It was to be "very large, very handsome, and very cheap"; the parties purposing to erect being "very poor; in fact, having only £----."--"Say thirty shillings more," replied the astonished architect, "and have a tower and spire at once!"

MDXCVII.--A TENDER SUGGESTION.

A BEGGAR in Dublin had been long besieging an old, gouty, testy gentleman, who roughly refused to relieve him. The mendicant civilly replied, "I wish your honor's heart was as tender as your toes."

MDXCVIII.--SUDDEN FREEDOM.

A NATION grown free in a single day is a child born with the limbs and the vigor of a man, who would take a drawn sword for his rattle, and set the house in a blaze, that he might chuckle over the splendor.--S.S.

MDXCIX.--EPIGRAM.

THY flattering picture, Phryne, 's like to thee
Only in this, that you both painted be.

MDC.--ANSWERING HER ACCORDING TO HER FOLLY.

A LADY having put to Canning the silly question, "Why have they made the spaces in the iron gate at Spring Gardens so narrow?" he replied, "O, ma'am, because such very fat people used to go through" (a reply concerning which Tom Moore remarked that "the person who does not relish it can have no perception of real wit").

MDCI.--THE SUN IN HIS EYE.

LORD PLUNKETT had a son in the Church at the time the Tithe Corporation Act was passed, and warmly supported the measure. Some one observed, "I wonder how it is that so sensible a man as Plunkett cannot see the imperfections in the Tithe Corporation Act!"--"Pooh! pooh!" said Norbury, "the reason's plain enough; he has the sun (son) in his eye."

MDCII.--A BRIGHT REJOINDER.

AN Englishman paying an Irish shoeblack with rudeness, the "dirty urchin" said, "My honey, all the polish you have is upon your boots and I gave you that."

MDCIII.--WELL TURNED.

ON the formation of the Grenville administration, Bushe, who had the reputation of a waverer, apologized one day for his absence from court, on the ground that he was cabinet-making. The chancellor maliciously disclosed the excuse on his return. "O, indeed, my lord, that is an occupation in which my friend would distance me, as I was never a turner or a joiner."

MDCIV.--A QUICK LIE.

A CONCEITED coxcomb, with a very patronizing air, called out to an Irish laborer, "Here, you bogtrotter, come and tell me the greatest lie you can, and I'll treat you to a jug of whiskey-punch."--"By my word," said Pat, "an' yer honor's a gintleman;"

MDCV.--A MERRY THOUGHT.

THEY cannot be complete in aught
Who are not humorously prone;
A man without a merry thought
Can hardly have a funny bone.

MDCVI.--AN IMPUDENT WIT.

HOOK one day walking in the Strand with a friend, had his attention directed to a very pompous gentleman, who strutted along as if the street were his own. Instantly leaving his companion, Hook went up to the stranger and said, "I beg your pardon sir, but pray may I ask,--are you anybody in particular?" Before the astonished magnifico could collect himself so as to reply practically or otherwise to the query, Hook had passed on.

MDCVII.--WEARING AWAY.

A SCHOOLMASTER said of himself: "I am like a hone, I sharpen a number of blades, but I wear myself in doing it."

MDCVIII.--A PERTINENT QUESTION.

JUDGE JEFFREYS, of notorious memory (pointing with his cane to a man who was about to be tried), said, "There is a great rogue at the end of my cane." The man pointed at, inquired, "At which end, my lord?"

MDCIX.--A BASE JOKE.

A GENTLEMAN one day observed to Henry Erskine, that punning was the lowest of wit. "It is," answered Erskine, "and therefore the foundation of all wit."

MDCX.--A WIDE-AWAKE MINISTER.

LORD NORTH'S good humor and readiness were of admirable service to him when the invectives of his opponents would have discomforted a graver minister. He frequently indulged in a real or seeming slumber. On one occasion, an opposition debater, supposing him to be napping, exclaimed, "Even now, in these perils, the noble lord is asleep!"--"I wish I was," suddenly interposed the weary minister.

MDCXI.--ON CARDINAL WOLSEY.

BEGOT by butchers, but by bishops bred,
How high his honor holds his haughty head!

MDCXII.--NOT FINDING HIMSELF.

"HOW do you find yourself to-day," said an old friend to Jack Reeve, as he met him going in dinner costume to the city. "Thank you," he replied, "the Lord Mayor finds me to-day."

MDCXIII.--A WITTY PROPOSITION.

SHERIDAN, being on a parliamentary committee, one day entered the room as all the members were seated and ready to commence business. Perceiving no empty seat, he bowed, and looking round the table with a droll expression of countenance, said: "Will any gentleman move that I may take the chair?"

MDCXIV.--A WARM MAN.

A MAN with a scolding wife, being asked what his occupation was, replied that he kept a hot-house.

MDCXV.--LONG AGO.

A LADY, who was very submissive and modest before marriage, was observed by a friend to use her tongue pretty freely after. "There was a time," he remarked, "when I almost imagined she had no tongue."--"Yes," said the husband, with a sigh, "but it's very very long since!"

MDCXVI.--AN UNLIKELY RESULT.

WHEN Sir Thomas More was brought a prisoner to the Tower, the lieutenant, who had formerly received many favors from him, offered him "suche poore cheere" as he had; to which the ex-chancellor replied, "Assure yourself, master lieutenant, I do not mislike my cheer; but whensoever so I do, then thrust me out of your doors."

MDCXVII.--POLITICAL LOGIC.

IF two decided negatives will make
Together one affirmative, let's take
P----t's and L----t's, each a rogue per se,
Who by this rule an honest pair will be.

MDCXVIII.--A WISE DECISION.

A GENTLEMAN going to take water at Whitehall stairs, cried out, as he came near the place, "Who can swim?"--"I, master," said forty bawling mouths; when the gentleman observing one slinking away, called after him; but the fellow turning about, said, "Sir, I cannot swim,"--"Then you are my man," said the gentleman, "for you will at least take care of me for your own sake."

MDCXIX.--A POINT NEEDING TO BE SETTLED.

A SCOTTISH minister being one day engaged in visiting some members of his flock, came to the door of a house where his gentle tapping could not be heard for the noise of contention within. After waiting a little he opened the door and walked in, saying, with an authoritative voice, "I should like to know who is the head of this house?"--"Weel, sir," said the husband and father, "if ye sit doon a wee, we'll maybe be able to tell ye, for we're just trying to settle that point."

MDCXX.--A POOR LAUGH.

CURRAN was just rising to cross-examine a witness before a judge who was familiar with the dry-as-dust black-letter law books, but could never comprehend a jest, when the witness began to laugh before the learned counsel had asked him a question. "What are you laughing at, friend," said Curran, "what are you laughing at? Let me tell you that a laugh without a joke is like--is like--"--"Like what, Mr. Curran," asked the judge, imagining he was at fault. "Just exactly, my lord, like a contingent remainder without any particular estate to support it."

MDCXXI.--AN ANTICIPATED CALAMITY.

ON the departure of Bishop Selwyn for his diocese, New Zealand, Sydney Smith, when taking his leave of him, said: "Good by, my dear Selwyn; I hope you will not disagree with the man who eats you!"

MDCXXII.--MATRIMONY.

"MY dear, what makes you always yawn?"
The wife exclaimed, her temper gone,
"Is home so dull and dreary?"
"Not so, my love," he said, "Not so;
But man and wife are one, you know;
And when alone I'm weary!"

MDCXXIII.--DRY, BUT NOT THIRSTY.

CURRAN, conversing with Sir Thomas Turton, happened to remark that he could never speak in public for a quarter of an hour without moistening his lips; to which Sir Thomas replied that, in that respect, he had the advantage of him: "I spoke," said he, "the other night in the House of Commons for five hours, on the Nabob of Oude, and never felt in the least thirsty."--"It is very remarkable indeed" rejoined Curran, "for every one agrees that was the driest speech of the session."

MDCXXIV.--SHAKESPEARIAN GROG.

AS for the brandy, "nothing extenuate,"--and the water, "put naught in, in malice."

MDCXXV.--A JURY CASE.

CURRAN, speaking of his loss of business in the Court of Chancery caused by Lord Clare's hostility to him, and of the consequent necessity of resuming nisi prius business, said: "I had been under full sail to fortune; but the tempest came, and nearly wrecked me, and ever since I have been only bearing up under jury-masts."

MDCXXVI.--SOMETHING TO BE GRATEFUL FOR.

LORD ALVANLEY, after his duel with young O'Connell, gave a guinea to the hackney-coachman who had driven him to and from the scene of the encounter. The man, surprised at the largeness of the sum, said, "My Lord, I only took you to--" Alvanley interrupted him with, "My friend, the guinea is for bringing me back, not for taking me out."

MDCXXVII.--"THE RULING PASSION STRONG IN DEATH."

A DYING miser sent for his solicitor, and said, "Now begin, and I will dictate particulars."--"I give and I bequeath," commenced the man of law. "No, no," interrupted the testator; "I do nothing of the kind; I will never give or bequeath anything: I cannot do it."--"Well, then," suggested the attorney, after some consideration, "suppose you say, 'I lend, until the last day?'"--"Yes, yes, that will do," eagerly rejoined the miser.

MDCXXVIII.--AN ENDLESS TASK.

WHO seeks to please all men each way,
And not himself offend,
He may begin his work to-day,
But who knows when he'll end?

MDCXXIX.--PROFESSIONAL RECOGNITION.

MISS KELLY standing one day in the street, enjoying the vagaries of punch with the rest of the crowd, the showman came up to her and solicited a contribution. She was not very ready in answering the demand, when the fellow, taking care to make her understand that he knew who she was, exclaimed, "Ah! it's all over with the drama, if we don't encourage one another."

MDCXXX.--A CELESTIAL VISION.

QUIN, being asked by a lady why there were more women in the world than men, replied, "It is in conformity with the other arrangements of Nature, madam; we always see more of heaven than earth."

MDCXXXI.--DESTITUTION OF THE SMITH FAMILY.

ONE morning a pompous little man called upon Sydney Smith, saying that, being about to compile a history of distinguished families in Somersetshire, he had called to obtain the Smith arms. "I regret, sir," said the reverend wit, "not to be able to contribute to so valuable a work; but the Smiths never had any arms, and have invariably sealed their letters with their thumbs."

MDCXXXII.--UNCIVIL WARNING.

A CELEBRATED professor, dining in company with a gaudy, discordant, and silly chatterer, was asked to help her to the usual concomitant of boiled fowl. As he did so, he abstractedly murmured, "Parsley,--fatal to parrots."

MDCXXXIII.--AN INEVITABLE MISFORTUNE.

WHEN Boswell was first introduced to Dr. Johnson, he apologized to him for being a Scotchman. "I find," said he, "that I am come to London at a bad time, when great popular prejudice has gone forth against us North Britons; but when I am talking to you, I am talking to a large and liberal mind, and you know that I cannot help coming from Scotland."--"Sir," replied the doctor, archly, "no more can the rest of your countrymen."

MDCXXXIV.--DONE FOR.

TWO gentlemen were lately examining the breast of a plough on a stall in a market-place. "I'll bet you a crown," said one, "you don't know what it's for."--"Done," said the other. "It is for sale." The bet was paid.

MDCXXXV.--A PROBLEM FOR TOTAL ABSTAINERS.

THOMAS HOOD says: "Puny draughts can hardly be called drinking. Pints cannot be deemed potations."

MDCXXXVI.--THE DOG TAX.

BROWN drops in. Brown is said to be the toady of Jones. When Jones has the influenza, Brown dutifully catches cold in the head. Douglas Jerrold remarked to Brown, "Have you heard the rumor that's flying about town?"--"No."--"Well, they say that Jones pays the dog-tax for you."

MDCXXXVII.--A PUN WITH AN IRISH ACCENT.

HOOD described a good church minister as "Piety parsonified."

MDCXXXVIII.--A NEW WAY WITH ATTORNEYS.

ONE day a simple farmer, who had just buried a rich relation, an attorney, was complaining of the great expense of a funeral cavalcade in the country. "Why, do you bury your attorneys here?" asked Foote. "Yes, to be sure we do: how else?"--"O, we never do that in London."--"No?" said the other, much surprised; "how do you manage, then?"--"Why, when the patient happens to die, we lay him out in a room over night by himself, lock the door, throw open the window, and in the morning he is gone."--"Indeed!" exclaimed the farmer, with amazement; "what becomes of him?"--"Why, that we cannot exactly tell; all we know is, there's a strong smell of brimstone in the room the next morning."

MDCXXXIX.--THE DOUBT EXPLAINED.

A MAN with a very short nose was continually ridiculing another, whose nose was remarkably long. The latter said to him one day, "You are always making observations upon my nose; perhaps you think it was made at the expense of yours."

MDCXL.--A YOKSHIRE BULL.

A YORKSHIRE clergyman, preaching for the Blind Asylum, began by gravely remarking: "If all the world were blind, what a melancholy sight it would be!"

MDCXLI.--A ONE-SIDED JOKE.

A LADY requested her husband's permission to wear rouge. "I can give you permission, my dear," he replied, "only for one cheek."

MDCXLII.--TWO CURES FOR AGUE.

BISHOP BLOMFIELD, when presiding over the diocese of London, had occasion to call the attention of the Essex incumbents to the necessity of residing in their parishes; and he reminded them that curates were, after all, of the same flesh and blood as rectors, and that the residence which was possible for the one, could not be quite impossible for the other. "Besides," added he, "there are two well-known preservatives against ague; the one is, a good deal of care and a little port wine; the other, a little care and a good deal of port wine. I prefer the former; but if any of the clergy prefer the latter, it is at all events a remedy which incumbents can afford better than curates."

MDCXLIII.--A QUESTION OF DESCENT.

A YORKSHIRE nobleman, who was fond of boasting of his Norman descent, said to one of his tenants, whom he thought was not addressing him with proper respect: "Do you know, fellow, that my ancestors came over with William the Conqueror?"--"And, perhaps," retorted the sturdy Saxon, "they found mine here when they comed."

MDCXLIV.--PLEASANT FOR A FATHER.

A LAIRD'S eldest son was rather a simpleton. Laird says, "I am going to send the young laird abroad."--"What for?" asks the tenant. Laird answered, "To see the world." Tenant replied, "But lordsake, laird, will no the world see him?"

MDCXLV.--A RULE OF PRACTICE.

IT was said of a Bath physician, that he could not prescribe even for himself without a fee, and therefore, when unwell, he took a guinea out of one pocket and put it into the other.

MDCXLVI.--WITS AGREEING.

WHEN Foote was one day lamenting his growing old, a pert young fellow asked him what he would give to be as young as he. "I would be content," cried Foote, "to be as foolish." Jerrold made a similar reply to an empty-headed fellow who boasted of never being seasick. "Never!" said Douglas; "then I'd almost have your head with your stomach."

MDCXLVII.--LITERARY PASTIME.

ONCE a gentleman, who had the marvellous gift of shaping a great many things out of orange-peel, was displaying his abilities at a dinner-party before Theodore Hook and Mr. Thomas Hill, and succeeded in counterfeiting a pig. Mr. Hill tried the same feat; and, after destroying and strewing the table with the peel of a dozen oranges, gave it up, with the exclamation, "Hang the pig! I can't make him."--"Nay, Hill," exclaimed Hook, glancing at the mess on the table, "you have done more; instead of one pig, you have made a litter."

MDCXLVIII.--A FREE TRANSLATION.

MANNERS, who had himself but lately been made Earl of Rutland, told Sir Thomas More "he was too much elated with his preferment; that he verified the old proverb, 'Honores mutant mores.'"--"No, my lord," said Sir Thomas, "the pun will do much better in English, 'Honors change Manners.'"

MDCXLIX.--AN EQUIVOCAL PREFERENCE.

A GENTLEMAN was describing to Douglas Jerrold the story of his courtship and marriage,--how his wife had been brought up in a convent, and was on the point of taking the veil, when his presence burst upon her enraptured sight, and she accepted him as her husband. Jerrold listened to the end of the story, and then quietly remarked, "Ah! she evidently thought you better than nun."

MDCL.--RECIPROCAL ACTION.

A VERY fat man, for the purpose of quizzing his doctor, asked him to prescribe for a complaint, which he declared was sleeping with his mouth open. "Sir," said the doctor, "your disease is incurable. Your skin is too short, so that when you shut your eyes your mouth opens."

MDCLI.--ACRES AND WISEACRES.

A WEALTHY but weak-headed barrister once remarked to Curran that "No one should be admitted to the Bar who had not an independent landed property."--"May I ask, sir," replied Curran, "how many acres make a wise-acre?"

MDCLII.--AN UNEQUAL ARRANGEMENT.

TWO young Irishmen, wishing to live cheaply, and to divide their expenses, agreed the one to board, and the other to lodge.

MDCLIII.--A REASON FOR BEING TOO LATE.

CANNING and another gentleman were looking at a picture of the Deluge: the ark was in the middle distance; in the fore-sea an elephant was seen struggling with his fate. "I wonder," said the gentleman, "that the elephant did not secure an inside place."--"He was too late, my friend," replied Canning; "he was detained packing up his trunk."

MDCLIV.--COOL AS A CUCUMBER.

SOME one was mentioning in Lamb's presence the cold-heartedness of the Duke of Cumberland, in restraining the duchess from rushing up to the embrace of her son, whom she had not seen for a considerable time, and insisting on her receiving him in state. "How horribly cold it was," said the narrator. "Yes," replied Lamb, in his stuttering way; "but you know he is the, Duke of Cu-cum-ber-land."

MDCLV.--AN AMPLE APOLOGY.

A CLERGYMAN at Cambridge preached a sermon which one of his auditors commended. "Yes," said the gentleman to whom it was mentioned, "it was a good sermon, but he stole it." This was repeated to the preacher, who resented it, and called on the gentleman to retract. "I will," replied the aggressor. "I said you had stolen the sermon. I find I was wrong, for on referring to the book whence I thought it was taken, I found it there."

MDCLVI.--FUNERAL INVITATION.

SIR BOYLE ROACH had a servant who was as great an original as his master. Two days after the death of the baronet, this man waited upon a gentleman, who had been a most intimate friend of Sir Boyle, for the purpose of telling him that the time at which the funeral was to have taken place had been changed. "Sir," says he, "my master sends his compliments to you, and he won't be buried till to-morrow evening."

MDCLVII.--A SUPERFLUOUS SCRAPER.

FOOTE, being annoyed by a poor fiddler straining harsh discord under his window, sent him out a shilling, with a request that he would play elsewhere, as one scraper at the door was sufficient.

MDCLVIII.--COMPARATIVE VIRTUE.

A SHOPKEEPER at Doncaster had for his virtues obtained the name of the little rascal. A stranger asked him why this appellation had been given to him. "To distinguish me from the rest of my trade," quoth he, "who are all great rascals."

MDCLIX.--GARTH AND ROWE.

DOCTOR GARTH, who used frequently to go to the Wit's Coffee House, the Cocoa-Tree, in St. James's Street, was sitting there one morning conversing with two persons of rank, when Rowe, the poet, who was seldom very attentive to his dress and appearance, but still insufferably vain of being noticed by persons of consequence, entered. Placing himself in a box nearly opposite to that in which the doctor sat, he looked constantly round with a view of catching his eye; but not succeeding, he desired the waiter to ask him for his snuff-box, which he knew to be a valuable one, set with diamonds, and the present of some foreign prince. After taking a pinch, he returned the box, but asked for it again so repeatedly, that Garth, who knew him well, perceived the drift, and taking from his pocket a pencil, wrote on the lid the two Greek characters, [Greek: Ph R] (phi, rho) Fie! Rowe! The poet was so mortified, that he quitted the room immediately.

MDCLX.--A SECRET DISCOVERED.

'T IS clear why Twister, wretched rat,
Always abuses in his chatter:
He's truly such a thorough flat,
We can't expect to see him flatter.

MDCLXI.--INTERESTED INQUIRY.

AN attorney-general politely inquired after the health of a distinguished judge. "Mr. Attorney," was the reply, "I am in horrible good health at present."

MDCLXII.--A BEARABLE PUN.

AN illiterate vendor of beer wrote over his door at Harrogate, "Bear sold here."--"He spells the word quite correctly," said Theodore Hook, "if he means to apprise us that the article is his own Bruin."

MDCLXIII.--CITY GLUTTON.

THE celebrated John Wilkes attended a City dinner not long after his promotion to city honors. Among the guests was a noisy vulgar deputy, a great glutton, who, on his entering the dinner-room, always with great deliberation took off his wig, suspended it on a pin, and with due solemnity put on a white cotton nightcap. Wilkes, who certainly was a high-bred man, and never accustomed to similar exhibitions, could not take his eyes from so strange and novel a picture. At length the deputy, with unblushing familiarity, walked up to Wilkes, and asked him whether he did not think that his nightcap became him. "O, yes, sir," replied Wilkes, "but it would look much better if it was pulled quite over your face."

MDCLXIV.--A PRETTY REPLY.

LORD MELBOURNE, inspecting the kitchen of the Reform Club, jocosely remarked to Alexis Soyer, chef de cuisine, that his female assistants were all very pretty. "Yes, my lord," replied Soyer; "plain cooks will not do here."

MDCLXV.--A CONVENIENT THEORY.

AT charity meetings, one Mould always volunteered to go round with the hat, but was suspected of sparing his own pocket. Overhearing one day a hint to that effect, he made the following speech: "Other gentlemen puts down what they thinks proper, and so does I. Charity's a private concern, and what I gives is nothing to nobody."

MDCLXVI.--BUT ONE GOOD TRANSLATION.

DRYDEN'S translation of Virgil being commended by a right reverend bishop, Lord Chesterfield said, "The original is indeed excellent; but everything suffers by a translation,--except a bishop;"

MDCLXVII.--PHILIP, EARL OF STANHOPE.

PHILIP, Earl of Stanhope, whose dress always corresponded with the simplicity of his manners, was once prevented from going into the House of Peers, by a doorkeeper who was unacquainted with his person. Lord Stanhope was resolved to get into the House without explaining who he was; and the doorkeeper, equally determined on his part, said to him, "Honest man, you have no business here. Honest man you can have no business in this place."--"I believe," rejoined his lordship, "you are right; honest men can have no business here."

MDCLXVIII.--RIGID IMPARTIALITY.

SYDNEY SMITH, calling one day upon a fellow contributor to the Edinburgh Review, found him reading a book preparatory to writing an account of it, and expostulated with him. "Why, how do you manage?" asked his friend. "I never," said the wit, "read a book before reviewing it; it prejudices one so."

MDCLXIX.--WHITBREAD'S ENTIRE.

ON the approach of the election at Westminster, when Earl Percy was returned, Mr. Denis O'Brien, the agent of Mr. Sheridan, said, that "there were thousands in Westminster who would sooner vote for the Duke of Northumberland's porter, than give their support to a man of talent and probity, like Mr. Sheridan." Mr. Whitbread, alarmed for the interests of Mr. S. by the intemperate language of his agent, wished him to take some public notice of it in the way of censure; but Sheridan only observed, "that to be sure his friend O'Brien was wrong and intemperate, as far as related to the Duke of Northumberland's porter; though he had no doubt there were thousands in Westminster who would give the preference to Mr. Whitbread's entire."

MDCLXX.--A FOOL AND HIS MONEY.

A YOUNG spendthrift being apprised that he had given a shilling when sixpence would have been enough, remarked that "He knew no difference between a shilling and sixpence."--"But you will, young gentleman," an old economist replied, "when you come to be worth eighteen-pence."

MDCLXXI.--A GRIM JOKE.

DANIEL DEFOE said there was only this difference between the fates of Charles the First and his son James the Second,--that the former's was a wet martyrdom, and the other's a dry one.

MDCLXXII.--INSURANCE ASSURANCE.

THE collector in a country church, where a brief was read for a sufferer from fire, flattered himself that he had been unusually successful in the collection, as he fancied he saw an agent to one of the fire-offices put a note into the box. On examining the contents, however, he found that the note had not issued from any bank, but merely bore these admonitory words, "Let them insure, as they wish to be saved."

MDCLXXIII.--GENUINE LAZINESS.

A YOUNG farmer, inspecting his father's concerns in the time of hay-harvest, found a body of the mowers asleep, when they should have been at work. "What is this?" cried the youth; "why, me, you are so indolent, that I would give a crown to know which is the most lazy of you."--"I am he," cried the one nearest to him, still stretching himself at his ease. "Here then" said the youth, holding out the money. "O, Master George," said the fellow, folding his arms, "do pray take the trouble of putting it into my pocket for me."

MDCLXXIV.--CUTTING.

A COUNTRY editor thinks that Richelieu, who declared that "The pen was mightier than the sword," ought to have spoken a good word for the "scissors." Jerrold called scissors "an editor's steel-pen."

MDCLXXV.--GONE OUT.

A PERSON calling one day on a gentleman at the west end of the town, where his visits were more frequent than welcome, was told by the servant that her master had gone out. "O, well, never mind, I'll speak to your mistress."--"She's also gone out, sir." The gentleman, not willing to be denied admission, said, as it was a cold day, he would step in, and sit down by the fire a few minutes. "Ah! sir, but it is gone out too," replied the girl.

MDCLXXVI.--A GOOD JUDGE.

"HONESTY is the best policy," said a Scotchman. "I know it, my friend, for I have tried baith."

MDCLXXVII.--MR. CHARLES YORKE.

WHEN Mr. Charles Yorke was returned a member for the University of Cambridge, about the year 1770, he went round the Senate to thank those who had voted for him. Among the number was a Mr. P., who was proverbial for having the largest and most hideous face that ever was seen. Mr. Yorke, in thanking him, said, "Sir, I have great reason to be thankful to my friends in general, but confess myself under a particular obligation to you for the very remarkable countenance you have shown me upon this occasion."

MDCLXXVIII.--THE SALIC LAW

IS a most sensible and valuable law, banishing gallantry and chivalry from Cabinets, and preventing the amiable antics of grave statesmen.

MDCLXXIX.--CHARLES JAMES FOX.

AFTER Byron's engagement in the West Indies, there was a great clamor about the badness of the ammunition. Soon after this, Mr. Fox had a duel with Mr. Adam. On receiving that gentleman's ball, and finding that it had made but little impression, he exclaimed, "Egad, Adam, it had been all over with me, if you had not charged with government powder;"

MDCLXXX.--PREFERMENT.

AMONG the daly inquirers after the health of an aged Bishop of D----m, during his indisposition, no one was more sedulously punctual than the Bishop of E----r; and the invalid seemed to think that other motives than those of anxious kindness might contribute to this solicitude. One morning he ordered the messenger to be shown into his room, and thus addressed him: "Be so good as present my compliments to my Lord Bishop, and tell him that I am better, much better; but that the Bishop of W----r has got a sore throat, arising from a bad cold, if that will do."

MDCLXXXI.--COMPLIMENTARY.

A GENTLEMAN dining at an hotel, was annoyed by a stupid waiter continually coming hovering round the table, and desired him to retire. "Excuse me, sir," said Napkin, drawing himself up, "but I'm responsible for the silver."

MDCLXXXII.--DR. DONNE.

DR. DONNE, the Dean of St. Paul's, having married a lady of a rich and noble family without the consent of the parents, was treated with great asperity. Having been told by the father that he was to expect no money from him, the doctor went home and wrote the following note to him: "John Donne, Anne Donne, undone." This quibble had the desired effect, and the distressed couple were restored to favor.

MDCLXXXIII.--VULGARITY.

SIR WALTER SCOTT once happening to hear his daughter Anne say of something, that it was vulgar, gave the young lady the following temperate rebuke: "My love, you speak like a very young lady; do you know, after all, the meaning of this word vulgar? 'Tis only common; nothing that is common, except wickedness, can deserve to be spoken of in a tone of contempt; and when you have lived to my years, you will be disposed to agree with me in thanking God that nothing really worth having or caring about in this world is uncommon."

MDCLXXXIV.--AN EXPENSIVE JOB.

A GENTLEMAN passing a country church while under repair, observed to one of the workmen, that he thought it would be an expensive job. "Why, yes," replied he; "but in my opinion we shall accomplish what our reverend divine has endeavored to do, for the last thirty years, in vain."--"What is that?" said the gentleman. "Why, bring all the parish to repentance."

MDCLXXXV.--PROSINESS.

A PROSY old gentleman meeting Jerrold, related a long, limp account of a stupid practical joke, concluding with the information that "he really thought he should have died with laughter."--"I wish to heaven you had," was Jerrold's reply.

MDCLXXXVI.--A PLEASANT MESSAGE.

MR. BARTLEMAN, a celebrated bass-singer, was taken ill, just before the commencement of the musical festival at Gloucester: another basso was applied to, at a short notice, who attended, and acquitted himself to the satisfaction of everybody. When he called on the organist to be paid, the latter thanked him most cordially for the noble manner in which he had sung; and concluded with the following very complimentary and pleasant message: "When you see poor Bartleman, give my best regards to him; and tell him how much we missed him during the festival!"

MDCLXXXVII.--EXISTENCE OF MATTER.

AS Berkeley, the celebrated author of the Immaterial Theory, was one morning musing in the cloisters of Dublin College, an acquaintance came up to him, and, seeing him rapt in contemplation, hit him a smart rap on the shoulder with his cane. The dean starting, called out, "What's the matter?" His acquaintance, looking him steadily in the face, replied, "No matter, Berkeley."

MDCLXXXVIII.--A SAUCY ANSWER.

A BARRISTER attempting to browbeat a female witness, told her she had brass enough to make a saucepan. The woman retorted, "and you have sauce enough to fill it."

MDCLXXXIX.--QUAINT EPITAPH.

DR. FULLER having requested one of his companions to make an epitaph for him, received the following:

"Here lies Fuller's earth;"

MDCXC.--AN INHOSPITABLE IRISHMAN.

SIR BOYLE ROACH, the droll of the Irish bar, sent an amusingly equivocal invitation to an Irish nobleman of his acquaintance: "I hope, my Lord, if ever you come within a mile of my house, that you'll stay there all night." When he was suffering from an attack of gout, he thus rebuked his shoemaker: "O, you're a precious blockhead to do directly the reverse of what I desired you. I told you to make one of the shoes larger than the other, and instead of that you have made one of them smaller than the other!"

MDCXCI.--GOOD ENOUGH FOR A PIG.

AN IRISH peasant being asked why he permitted his pig to take up its quarters with his family, made an answer abounding with satirical naïveté; "Why not? Doesn't the place afford every convenience that a pig can require?"

MDCXCII.--FARCICAL.

IN Bannister's time, a farce was performed under the title of "Fire and Water."--"I predict its fate," said he. "What fate?" whispered the anxious author at his side. "What fate!" said Bannister; "why, what can fire and water produce but a hiss?"

MDCXCIII.--TOO MUCH AT ONCE.

LORD CHESTERFIELD one day, at an inn where he dined, complained very much that the plates and dishes were very dirty. The waiter, with a degree of pertness, observed, "It is said every one must eat a peck of dirt before he dies."--"That may be true," said Chesterfield, "but no one is obliged to eat it all at one meal, you dirty dog."

MDCXCIV.--EPIGRAM.

(On Bishop ----'s Religion.)

THOUGH not a Catholic, his lordship has,
'Tis plain, strong disposition to a-mass (a mass).

MDCXCV.--POSSIBLE CENSORS.

DR. CADOGAN was boasting of the eminence of his profession, and spoke loudly against the injustice of the world, which was so satirical against it; "but," he added, "I have escaped, for no one complains of me."--"That is more than you can tell, doctor," said a lady who was present, "unless you know what people say in the other world."

MDCXCVI.--A CONNUBIAL COMPLIMENT.

A LADY, walking with her husband at the seaside, inquired of him the difference between exportation and transportation. "Why, my dear," he replied, "if you were on board yonder vessel, leaving England, you would be exported, and I should be transported;"

MDCXCVII.--DOUBLE SIGHT.

A MAN with one eye laid a wager with another man, that he (the one-eyed person) saw more than the other. The wager was accepted. "You have lost," says the first; "I can see the two eyes in your face, and you can see only one in mine."

MDCXCVIII.--WITTY AT HIS OWN EXPENSE.

SHERIDAN was once asked by a gentleman: "How is it that your name has not an O prefixed to it? Your family is Irish, and no doubt illustrious."--"No family," replied Sheridan, "has a better right to an O than our family; for, in truth, we owe everybody."

MDCXCIX.--A CONVERSATIONAL EPIGRAM.

SAID Bluster to Whimple, "You juvenile fool,
Get out of my way, do you hear?"
Said Whimple, "A fool did you say? by that rule
I'm much in your way as I fear."

MDCC.--A PREVIOUS ENGAGEMENT.

THE late Lord Dudley and Ward was one of the most absent of men. Meeting Sydney Smith one day in the street, he invited him to meet himself! "Dine with me to-day,--dine with me to-day,--I will get Sydney Smith to meet you." The witty canon admitted the temptation held out to him, but said, "he was engaged with him elsewhere."

MDCCI.--A ROYAL JEST.

A CAPTAIN, remarkable for his uncommon height, being one day at the rooms at Bath, the late Princess Amelia was struck with his appearance; and being told that he had been originally intended for the Church, "Rather for the steeple," replied the royal humorist.

MDCCII.--EXTREMELY SULPHUROUS.

LORD CHESTERFIELD, being told that a certain termagant and scold was married to a gamester, replied, "that cards and brimstone made the best matches."

MDCCIII.--A JOKE FROM THE NORTH.

THE reigning bore at one time in Edinburgh was Professor L----; his favorite subject the North Pole. One day the arch tormentor met Jeffrey in a narrow lane, and began instantly on the North Pole. Jeffrey, in despair, and out of all patience, darted past him, exclaiming, "Hang the North Pole!" Sydney Smith met Mr. L---- shortly after, boiling over with indignation at Jeffrey's contempt of the North Pole. "O, my dear fellow," said Sydney, "never mind; no one minds what Jeffrey says, you know; he is a privileged person,--he respects nothing, absolutely nothing. Why, you will scarcely credit it, but it is not more than a week ago that I heard him speak disrespectfully of the Equator."

MDCCIV.--MULTIPLYING ONE.

SYDNEY SMITH once said: "I remember entering a room with glass all round it at the French embassy, and saw myself reflected on every side. I took it for a meeting of the clergy, and was delighted of course."

MDCCV.--AN AFFIRMATIVE EPIGRAM.

WHEN Julia was asked, if to church she would go,
The fair one replied to me, "No, Richard, no."
At her meaning I ventured a pretty good guess,
For from grammar I learned No and No stood for Yes.

MDCCVI.--THE RULING PASSION.

A LADY'S beauty is dear to her at all times. A very lovely woman, worn out with a long and painful sickness, begged her attendants to desist rubbing her temples with Hungary water, as it would make her hair gray;

MDCCVII.--INDIFFERENCE TO DEATH.

A PRISONER, who had received notice that he was to die the next morning, was asked by some of his unfortunate companions to share their repast with them. He answered, "I never eat anything that I expect will not digest."

MDCCVIII.--SELF-INTEREST.

THOSE who wish to tax anything containing intelligence, must be actuated by selfish views, seeing that it is an imposition of which they are not likely to feel the burden.

MDCCIX.--ALL THE DIFFERENCE.

A GLASGOW professor met a poor student passing along one of the courts, and remarked to him that his gown was very short. "It will be long enough before I get another," answered the student. The reply tickled the professor's fancy so much that he continued in a state of suppressed laughter after passing on. Meeting a brother professor, who asked him what was amusing him so much, he told the story with a slightly varied reading. "I asked that fellow why he had so short a gown, and he answered, it will be a long time before I get another."--"Well, there's nothing very funny in that."--"Neither there is," said the professor, "I don't understand how it amused me so much. It must have been something in the way he said it."

MDCCX.--FOOTE'S LAST JOKE.

WHEN Foote was on his way to France, for change of air, he went into the kitchen at the inn at Dover, to order a particular dish for dinner. The true English cook boasted that she had never set foot out of her country. On this, the invalid gravely observed, "Why, cookey, that's very extraordinary, as they tell me up stairs that you have been several times all over grease;"--"They may tell you what they please above or below stairs," replied the cook, "but I was never ten miles from Dover in my life!"--"Nay, now, that must be a fib," says Foote, "for I have myself seen you at Spithead;" The next day (October 21, 1777) the exhausted wit "shuffled off this mortal coil."

MDCCXI.--L'Envoy.

THERE is so much genuine humor in the following jocular DINNER CODE, that we cannot do better than close our little volume with it.

DINNER CODE.

Of the Amphitryon.--His Rights.

Art. 1.--The Amphitryon is the king of the table: his empire lasts as long as the meal, and ends with it.

Art. 2.--It is lawful for his glass to exceed in capacity those of his guests.

Art. 3.--He may be lively with his male guests, and gallant towards the females; to such of them as are pretty he may risk a compliment or two, which is sure to be received from him with an approving smile.

His Duties.

Art. 1.--Fulfilling to the utmost the laws of hospitality, he watches with paternal solicitude over the welfare of the stomachs committed to his care; reassures the timid, encourages the modest, and incites the vigorous appetite.

Art. 2.--He must abstain from praising either his dishes or his wines.

Art. 3.--He is not to take advantage of his situation to utter stale jests or vulgar puns. A careful perusal of "The Jest Book" will be his best security against a violation of this article.

Art. 4.--The police of the table belongs of right to him; he should never permit a plate or a glass to be either full or empty.

Art. 5.--On rising from table, he should cast a scrutinizing glance over the glasses. If he sees them not quite emptied, let him take warning by it to choose either his guests or his wine better for the future.

Of the Guests.

Art. 1.--The first duty of a guest is to arrive at the time named, at whatever inconvenience to himself.

Art. 2.--When the Amphitryon offers any dish to a guest, his only civil way of declining it is by requesting to be helped a second time to that of which he has just partaken.

Art. 3.--A guest who is a man of the world will never begin a conversation until the first course is over; up to that point, dinner is a serious affair, from which the attention of the party ought not to be inconsiderately distracted.

Art. 4.--Whatever conversation is going on ought to be suspended, even in the middle of a sentence, upon the entrance of a dinde aux truffes.

Art. 5.--An applauding laugh is indispensable to every joke of the Amphitryon.

Art. 6.--A guest is culpable who speaks ill of his entertainer during the first three hours after dinner. Gratitude should last at least as long as digestion.

Art. 7.--To leave anything on your plate is to insult your host in the person of his cook.

Art. 8.--A guest who leaves the table deserves the fate of a soldier who deserts.

On Vicinity to Ladies.

Art. 1.--He who sits next to a lady becomes at once her cavaliere servente. He is bound to watch over her glass with as much interest as over his own.

Art. 2.--The gentleman owes aid and protection to his fair neighbor in the selection of food; the lady on her part is bound to respect and obey the recommendations of her knight on this subject.

Art. 3.--It is bad taste for the gentleman to advance beyond politeness during the first course; in the second, however, he is bound to be complimentary; and he is at liberty to glide into tenderness with the dessert.

On Vicinity to Men.

Art. 1.--When two gentlemen sit together, they owe no duties to each other beyond politeness and reciprocal offers of wine and water,--the last offer becomes an error after one refusal.

Art. 2.--On being helped to a dish, you should at once accept any precedence offered you by your neighbor; ceremony serves only to cool the plate in question for both parties.

Art. 3.--If you sit near the Amphitryon, your criticisms on the repast must be conveyed in a whisper; aloud you can do nothing but approve.

Art. 4.--Under no pretext can two neighbors at table be permitted to converse together on their private affairs, unless, indeed, one of them is inviting the other to dinner.

Art. 5.--Two neighbors who understand each other may always get more wine than the rest of the guests; they have only to say by turns to each other, with an air of courtesy, "Shall we take some wine?"

On Vicinity to Children.

Single Article.--The only course to be pursued, if you have the misfortune to be placed next a child at table, is to make him tipsy as quick as you can, that he may be sent out of the room by Mamma.

On the Means of reconciling Politeness with Egotism.

Art. 1.--The epicure's serious attention should be fixed upon the articles on the table; he may lavish his politeness, his wit, and his gayety upon the people who sit round it.

Art. 2.--By helping the dish next yourself (should you not dine à la Russe) you acquire a right to be helped to any other dish on the table.

Art. 3.--A carver must be very unskilful who cannot, by a little sleight-of-hand, smuggle aside the best morsel of a dish, and thus, when serving himself last, serve himself also the best.

Art. 4.--Your host's offers are sometimes insincere when they refer to some magnificent dish yet uncut. In such cases you should refuse feebly for yourself, but accept on behalf of the lady next you,--merely out of politeness to her.

Art. 5.--The thigh of all birds, boiled, is preferable to the wing: never lose sight of this in helping ignoramuses or ladies.

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