The Jest Book

5. Two Sides To A Speech

CDXXII.--TWO SIDES TO A SPEECH.

CHARLES LAMB sitting next some chattering woman at dinner, observing he didn't attend to her, "You don't seem," said the lady, "to be at all the better for what I am saying to you!"--"No, ma'am," he answered, "but this gentleman on the other side of me must, for it all came in at one ear and went out at the other;"

CDXXIII.--WILKIE'S SIMPLICITY.

ON the birth of a friend's son (now a well-known novelist), Sir David Wilkie was requested to become one of the sponsors for his child. Sir David, whose studies of human nature extended to everything but infant human nature, had evidently been refreshing his boyish recollections of puppies and kittens; for, after looking intently into the child's eyes, as it was held up for his inspection, he exclaimed to the father, with serious astonishment and satisfaction, "He sees;"

CDXXIV.--RINGING THE CHANGES.

AT a tavern one night,
Messrs. More, Strange, and Wright
Met to drink, and good thoughts to exchange:
Says More, "Of us three,
The whole town will agree,
There is only one knave, and that's Strange."
"Yes," says Strange (rather sore),
"I'm sure there's one More,
A most terrible knave and a bite,
Who cheated his mother,
His sister and brother."--
"O yes," replied More, "that is Wright."

CDXXV.--KNOWING HIS MAN.

A MAN was brought before Lord Mansfield, charged with stealing a silver ladle, and the counsel for the crown was rather severe upon the prisoner for being an attorney. "Come, come," said his lordship, "don't exaggerate matters; if the fellow had been an attorney, he would have stolen the bowl as well as the ladle."

CDXXVI.--A SMALL GLASS.

THE manager of a Scotch theatre, at which F.G. Cooke was playing Macbeth, seeing him greatly exhausted towards the close of the performance, offered him some whiskey in a very small thistle-glass, saying at the same time, by way of encouragement, "Take that, Mr. Cooke; take that, sir; it is the real mountain dew; that will never hurt you, sir!"--"Not if it was vitriol;" was the rejoinder.

CDXXVII.--DOMESTIC ECONOMY.

THE following bill of fare (which consists of a dish of fish, a joint of meat, a couple of fowls, vegetables, and a pudding, being in all seven dishes for sevenpence!) had its rise in an invitation which a young lady of forty-seven sent to her lover to dine with her on Christmas Day. To unite taste and economy is no easy thing; but to show her lover she had learned that difficult art, she gave him the following dinner:--

£ s. d.
At top, fish, two herrings 0 0 1
Middle, one ounce and a half of butter,
melted 0 0 0-3/4
Bottom, a mutton chop, divided 0 0 2
On one side, one pound of small potatoes 0 0 0-1/2
On the other side, pickled cabbage 0 0 0-1/2 First remove, two larks, plenty of crumbs 0 0 1-1/2
Mutton removed, French-roll boiled for a
pudding 0 0 0-1/2
Parsley for garnish 0 0 0-1/4
----------
£0 0 7

--Seven dishes for sevenpence!

CDXXVIII.--AN EMPTY HEAD.

OF a light, frivolous, flighty girl, whom Jerrold met frequently, he said, "That girl has no more head than a periwinkle."

CDXXIX.--A BAD LABEL.

TOM bought a gallon of gin to take home; and, by way of a label, wrote his name upon a card, which happened to be the seven of clubs, and tied it to the handle. A friend coming along, and observing the jug, quietly remarked: "That's an awful careless way to leave that liquor!"--"Why?" said Tom. "Because somebody might come along with the eight of clubs and take it!"

CDXXX.--"AYE! THERE'S THE RUB."

A GENTLEMAN, playing at piquet, was much teased by a looker-on who was short-sighted, and, having a very long nose, greatly incommoded the player. To get rid of the annoyance, the player took out his handkerchief, and applied it to the nose of his officious neighbor. "Ah! sir," said he, "I beg your pardon, but I really took it for my own."

CDXXXI.--MORAL EQUALITY OF MAN.

ALL honest men, whether counts or cobblers, are of the same rank, if classed by moral distinctions.

CDXXXII.--A SILK GOWN.

GRATTAN said of Hussey Burgh, who had been a great Liberal, but, on getting his silk gown, became a Ministerialist, that all men knew silk to be a non-conducting body, and that since the honorable member had been enveloped in silk, no spark of patriotism had reached his heart.

CDXXXIII.--EPIGRAM BY A PLUCKED MAN.

EVERY Cantab, it is presumed, knows where Shelford Fen is, and that it is famous for rearing geese. A luckless wight, who had the misfortune to be plucked at his examination for the degree of B.A., when the Rev. T. Shelford was his examiner, made the following extemporaneous epigram:--

"I have heard they plucked geese upon Shelford Fen,
But never till now knew that Shelford plucked men."

CDXXXIV.--THE MEASURE OF A BRAIN.

ONE afternoon, when Jerrold was in his garden at Putney, enjoying a glass of claret, a friend called upon him. The conversation ran on a certain dull fellow, whose wealth made him prominent at that time.

"Yes," said Jerrold, drawing his finger round the edge of his wineglass, "that's the range of his intellect, only it had never anything half so good in it."

CDXXXV.--FOOTE AND LORD TOWNSEND.

FOOTE, dining one day with Lord Townsend, after his duel with Lord Bellamont, the wine being bad, and the dinner ill-dressed, made Foote observe, that he could not discover what reason could compel his lordship to fight, when he might have effected his purpose with much more ease to himself. "How?" asked his lordship. "How?" replied the wit, "why you should have given him a dinner like this, and poisoned him."

CDXXXVI.--UNREASONABLE.

"TOM," said a colonel to one of his men, "how can so good and brave a soldier as you get drunk so often?"--"Colonel," replied he, "how can you expect all the virtues that adorn the human character for sixpence a-day?"

CDXXXVII.--AN HONEST WARRANTY.

A GENTLEMAN once bought a horse of a country-dealer. The bargain concluded, and the money paid, the gentleman said, "Now, my friend, I have bought your horse, what are his faults?"--"I know of no faults that he has, except two," replied the man; "and one is, that he is hard to catch."--"Oh! never mind that," said the buyer, "I will contrive to catch him at any time, I will engage; but what is the other?"--"Ah, sir! that is the worst," answered the fellow; "he is good for nothing when you have caught him."

CDXXXVIII.--THE REASON WHY.

A MAN said the only reason why his dwelling was not blown away in a late storm was, because there was a heavy mortgage on it.

CDXXXIX.--BLOTTING IT OUT.

MATHEWS'S attendant, in his last illness, intending to give him his medicine, gave in mistake some ink from a phial on a shelf. On discovering the error, his friend exclaimed, "Good heavens! Mathews, I have given you ink."--"Never--never mind, my boy--never mind," said Mathews, faintly, "I'll swallow a bit--of blotting-paper."

CDXL.--CLERICAL WIT.

AN old gentleman of eighty-four having taken to the altar a young damsel of about sixteen, the clergyman said to him, "The font is at the other end of the church."--"What do I want with the font?" said the old gentleman. "Oh! I beg your pardon," said the clerical wit, "I thought you had brought this child to be christened."

CDXLI.--A NICE DISTINCTION.

NED SHUTER thus explained his reasons for preferring to wear stockings with holes to having them darned:--"A hole," said he, "may be the accident of a day, and will pass upon the best gentleman, but a darn is premeditated poverty."

CDXLII.--WIT AND QUACKERY.

A CELEBRATED quack, while holding forth on a stage of Chelmsford, in order to promote the sale of his medicine, told the people that he came there for their good, and not for want. And then addressing his Merry Andrew, "Andrew," said he, "do we come here for want?"--"No faith, sir," replied Andrew, "we have enough of that at home."

CDXLIII.--WIT DEFINED.

DRYDEN'S description of wit is excellent. He says:--

"A thousand different shapes wit wears,
Comely in thousand shapes appears;
'Tis not a tale, 'tis not a jest,
Admired with laughter at a feast;
Nor florid talk, which can this title gain,--
The proofs of wit for ever must remain."

CDXLIV.--A VAIN SEARCH.

SIR FRANCIS BLAKE DELAVAL'S death had such an effect on Foote that he burst into tears, retired to his room, and saw no company for two days; the third day, Jewel, his treasurer, calling in upon him, he asked him, with swollen eyes, what time would the burial be? "Not till next week, sir," replied the other, "as I hear the surgeons are first to dissect his head." This last word restored Foote's fancy, and, repeating it with some surprise, he asked, "And what will they get there? I am sure I have known poor Frank these five-and-twenty years, and I never could find anything in it."

CDXLV.--A BAD CUSTOMER.

"WE don't sell spirits," said a law-evading beer-seller; "we will give you a glass; and then, if you want a biscuit, we'll sell it to you for three ha'pence." The "good creature" was handed down, a stiff glass swallowed, and the landlord handed his customer a biscuit. "Well, no, I think not," said the customer; "you sell 'em too dear. I can get lots of 'em five or six for a penny anywhere else."

CDXLVI.--A REFLECTION.

AN overbearing barrister, endeavoring to brow-beat a witness, told him he could plainly see a rogue in his face. "I never knew till now," said the witness, "that my face was a looking-glass."

CDXLVII.--FOOTE.

AN artist named Forfeit, having some job to do for Foote, got into a foolish scrape about the antiquity of family with another artist, who gave him such a drubbing as confined him to his bed for a considerable time. "Forfeit! Forfeit!" said Foote, "why, surely you have the best of the argument; your family is not only several thousand years old, but at the same time the most numerous of any on the face of the globe, on the authority of Shakespeare:--

"All the souls that are, were Forfeit once."

CDXLVIII.--INQUEST EXTRAORDINARY.

DIED from fatigue, three laundresses together all,
Verdict,--had tried to wash a shirt marked Wetherall.[A]

[A] Sir Charles Wetherall was noted for want of cleanliness.

CDXLIX.--A BASE ONE.

A FRIEND was one day reading to Jerrold an account of a case in which a person named Ure was reproached with having suddenly jilted a young lady to whom he was engaged. "Ure seems to have turned out to be a base 'un," said Jerrold.

CDL.--PROFITABLE JUGGLING.

A PROFESSOR of legerdemain entertained an audience in a village, which was principally composed of colliers. After "astonishing the natives" with various tricks, he asked the loan of a halfpenny. A collier, with a little hesitation, handed out the coin, which the juggler speedily exhibited, as he said, transformed into a sovereign. "An' is that my bawbee?" exclaimed the collier. "Undoubtedly," answered the juggler. "Let's see 't," said the collier; and turning it round and round with an ecstasy of delight, thanked the juggler for his kindness, and putting it into his pocket, said, "I'se war'nt ye'll no turn't into a bawbee again."

CDLI.--PICKPOCKETING.

THE Baron de Béranger relates, that, having secured a pickpocket in the very act of irregular abstraction, he took the liberty of inquiring whether there was anything in his face that had procured him the honor of being singled out for such an attempt. "Why, sir," said the fellow, "your face is well enough, but you had on thin shoes and white stockings in dirty weather, and so I made sure you were a flat."

CDLII.--DUNNING AND LORD THURLOW.

WHEN it was the custom for barristers to leave chambers early, and to finish their evenings at the coffee-houses in the neighborhood of the inns of court, Lord Thurlow on some occasion wanted to see Dunning privately. He went to the coffee-house frequented by him, and asked a waiter if Mr. Dunning was there. The waiter, who was new in his place, said he did not know him. "Not know him!" exclaimed Thurlow, with his usual oaths; "go into the room up stairs, and if you see any gentleman like the knave of clubs, tell him he is particularly wanted." The waiter went up, and forthwith reappeared followed by Dunning.

CDLIII.--AFFECTATION.

DELIA is twenty-two, and yet so weak,
Poor thing, she's learning still to walk and speak.

CDLIV.--WARM FRIENDSHIPS.

SOME people were talking with Jerrold about a gentleman as celebrated for the intensity as for the shortness of his friendships.

"Yes," said Jerrold, "his friendships are so warm that he no sooner takes them up than he puts them down again."

CDLV.--THEATRICAL MISTAKES.

A LAUGHABLE blunder was made by Mrs. Gibbs, at Covent Garden Theatre, in the season of 1823, in the part of Miss Stirling, in "The Clandestine Marriage." When speaking of the conduct of Betty, who had locked the door of Miss Fanny's room, and walked away with the key, Mrs. G. said, "She had locked the key, and carried away the door in her pocket." Mrs. Davenport, as Mrs. Heidelberg, had previously excited a hearty laugh, by substituting for the original dialogue, "I protest there's a candle coming along the gallery with a man in his hand;" but the mistake by Mrs. Gibbs seemed to be so unintentional, so unpremeditated, that the effect was irresistible; and the audience, celebrated the joke with three rounds of applause.

CDLVI.--A BROKEN HEAD.

"I AM the only man in Europe, sir," said the Colonel, "that ever had a broken head,--to live after it. I was hunting near my place in Yorkshire; my horse threw me, and I was pitched, head-foremost, upon a scythe which had been left upon the ground. When I was taken up my head was found to be literally cut in two, and was spread over my shoulders like a pair of epaulettes. That was a broken head, if you please, sir."

CDLVII.--CALEDONIAN COMFORT.

TWO pedestrian travellers, natives of the North, had taken up their quarters for the night at a Highland hotel in Breadalbane: one of them next morning complained to his friend that he had a very indifferent bed, and asked him how he had slept. "Troth, man," replied Donald, "nea vera well, either; but I was muckle better aff than the bugs, for de'il ane of them closed an e'e the hale night!"

CDLVIII.--AN ODD FAMILY.

BLAYNEY said, in reference to several persons, all relations to each other, but who happened to have no descendants, that "it seemed to be hereditary in their family to have no children."

CDLIX.--A LAWYER'S OPINION OF LAW.

COUNSELLOR M----T, after he retired from practice, being one day in company where the uncertainty of the law became the topic of conversation, was applied to for his opinion, upon which he laconically observed, "If any man were to claim the coat upon my back, and threaten my refusal with a lawsuit, he should certainly have it, lest in defending my coat I should too late find that I was deprived of my waistcoat also."

CDLX.--BEN JONSON.

WHEN the Archbishop of York sent him from his table an excellent dish of fish, but without drink, said:--

"In a dish came fish
From the arch-bis-
Hop was not there,
Because there was no beer."

CDLXI.--UNREMITTING KINDNESS.

"CALL that a kind man," said an actor, speaking of an absent acquaintance; "a man who is away from his family, and never sends them a farthing! Call that kindness?"

"Yes, unremitting kindness," Jerrold replied.

CDLXII.--KEAN'S IMPROMPTU.

AT Birmingham, one of Kean's "benefits" was a total failure. In the last scene of the play ("A New Way to pay Old Debts"), wherein allusion is made to the marriage of a lady, "Take her, sir," Kean suddenly added, "and the Birmingham audience into the bargain."

CDLXIII.--A TRUTH FOR THE LADIES.

A LEARNED doctor has given his opinion that tight lacing is a public benefit, inasmuch as it kills off all the foolish girls, and leaves the wise only to grow into women.

CDLXIV.--A MARK OF RESPECT.

CONGREVE was disputing a point of fact with a man of a very positive disposition, but one who was not overburdened with sense. The latter said to him, "If the fact is not as I have stated, I'll give you my head."--"I accept it," said Congreve; "for trifles show respect."

CDLXV.--A GRETNA CUSTOMER.

A RUNAWAY couple were married at Gretna Green. The smith demanded five guineas for his services. "How is this?" said the bridegroom, "the gentleman you last married assured me that he only gave you a guinea."--"True," said the smith, "but he was an Irishman. I have married him six times. He is a good customer, and you I may never see again."

CDLXVI.--LEAVING HIS VERDICT.

"I REMEMBER," says Lord Biden, "Mr. Justice Gould trying a case at York, and when he had proceeded for about two hours, he observed, 'Here are only eleven jurymen in the box, where is the twelfth?'--'Please you, my lord,' said one of the eleven, 'he has gone away about some other business--but he has left his verdict with me;'"

CDLXVII.--OVER-WISE.

IN a lecture-room of St. John's College, Cambridge, a student one morning, construing the Medea of Euripides came to the following passage:--

[Greek: All ouk arisophos eimi.]

To which he gave the proper sense,--

"I am not over-wise;"

but pausing as if he doubted its correctness,--"You are quite right, sir," observed the lecturer; "go on."

CDLXVIII.--IMPROMPTU.

'TIS said that walls have ears; if this be true,
St Stephen's walls the gift must often rue.

CDLXIX.--INDEPENDENCE.

JEMMY GORDON, the Cambridge eccentric, when he happened to be without shoes or stockings, one day came in contact with a person of very indifferent character. The gentleman, pitying his condition, told him, if he called at his house, he would give him a pair of shoes. "Excuse me, sir," replied Jemmy, assuming a contemptuous air, "I would not stand in your shoes for all the world!"

CDLXX.--ON PRIDE.

FITSMALL, who drinks with knights and lords,
To steal a share of notoriety,
Will tell you in important words,
He mixes in the best society.

CDLXXI.--BLACK LETTER.

AN old friend of Charles Lamb having been in vain trying to make out a black-letter text of Chaucer in the Temple Library, laid down the precious volume, and with an erudite look told Lamb that "in those old books, Charley, there is sometimes a deal of very indifferent spelling."

CDLXXII.--A HIATUS.

"DID you not on going down find a party in your kitchen?" asked an underbred barrister of a witness. "A tea-party, Mr. ----?" mildly interposed Judge Maule.

CDLXXIII.--A REASONABLE REQUEST.

AN officer advising his general to capture a post, said: "It will only cost a few men."--"Will you make one of the few?" remarked the general.

CDLXXIV.--A STRIKING POINT.

WHEN Mr. Gulley, the ex-pugilist, was elected Member for Pontefract, Gilbert A'Beckett said: "Should any opposition be manifested in the House of Commons towards Mr. Gulley, it is very probable the noes (nose) will have it."

CDLXXV.--VERY PRETTY.

ONE day, just as an English officer had arrived at Vienna, the empress knowing that he had seen a certain princess much celebrated for her beauty, asked him if it was really true that she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. "I thought so yesterday," he replied.

CDLXXVI.--AN ODD BIRD.

A LATE Duke of Norfolk had a fancy for owls, of which he kept several. He called one, from the resemblance to the Chancellor, Lord Thurlow. The duke's solicitor was once in conversation with his grace, when, to his surprise, the owl-keeper came up and said, "Please you, my lord, Lord Thurlow's laid an egg."

CDLXXVII.--INQUESTS EXTRAORDINARY.

FOUND dead, a rat--no case could sure be harder;
Verdict--Confined a week in Eldon's larder.
Died, Sir Charles Wetherall's laundress, honest Sue;
Verdict--Ennui--so little work to do.

CDLXXVIII.--"I'VE DONE THE SAME THING OFTEN."

A MR. JOHN SMITH, who is described, evidently not without reason, as a "fast" talker, gave the following description of the blowing up of a steamboat on the Mississippi: "I had landed at Helena for a minute to drop some letters into the post-office, when all of a sudden I heard a tremendous explosion, and, looking up, saw that the sky was for a minute darkened with arms, legs, and other small bits and scraps of my fellow-travellers. Amongst an uncommonly ugly medley, I spied the second clerk, about one hundred and fifty feet above my own level. I recognized him at once, for ten minutes before I had been sucking a sherry-cobbler with him out of the same rummer. Well, I watched him. He came down through the roof of a shoemaker's shop, and landed on the floor close by the shoemaker, who was at work. The clerk, being in a hurry, jumped up to go to the assistance of the other sufferers, when the 'man of wax' demanded five hundred dollars for the damage done to his roof. 'Too high,' replied the clerk; 'never paid more than two hundred and fifty dollars in my life, and I've done the same thing often.'"

CDLXXIX.--CONFIDENCE.

"WHY," said a country clergyman to one of his flock, "do you always sleep in your pew when I am in the pulpit, while you are all attention to every stranger I invite?"--"Because, sir," was the reply, "when you preach I'm sure all's right, but I can't trust a stranger without keeping a good look-out."

CDLXXX.--THE CUT INFERNAL.

SAID Wetherall the other night
Of ----: "He's the silliest elf
I ever knew." Sir Charles was right,
For no one ever knows himself.

CDLXXXI.--FEELING HIS WAY.

"UNCLE," said a young man (who thought that his guardian supplied him rather sparingly with pocket-money), "is the Queen's head still on the sovereign?"--"Of course it is, you stupid lad! Why do you ask that?"--"Because it is now such a length of time since I saw one."

CDLXXXII.--THE WILL.

JERRY dying intestate, his relatives claimed,
Whilst his widow most vilely his mem'ry defam'd:
"What!" cries she, "must I suffer because the old knave
Without leaving a will, is laid snug in the grave?"
"That's no wonder," says one, "for 'tis very well known,
Since he married, poor man, he'd no will of his own."

CDLXXXIII.--INGENUOUSNESS.

TWO young officers, after a mess-dinner, had very much ridiculed their general. He sent for them, and asked them if what was reported to him was true. "General," said one of them, "it is; and we should have said much more if our wine had not failed."

CDLXXXIV.--A NEW SPORT.

QUIN thought angling a very barbarous diversion; and on being asked why, gave this reason: "Suppose some superior being should bait a hook with venison, and go a-Quinning, I should certainly bite; and what a sight should I be dangling in the air!"

CDLXXXV.--SYDNEY SMITH. SYDNEY SMITH was once dining in company with a French gentleman, who had been before dinner indulging in a number of free-thinking speculations, and had ended by avowing himself a materialist. "Very good soup, this," said Mr. Smith. "Oui, monsieur, c'est excellente," was the reply. "Pray, sir, do you believe in a cook?" inquired Mr. Smith.

CDLXXXVI.--EPIGRAM ON THE DUKE OF ----'S CONSISTENCY.

THAT he's ne'er known to change his mind,
Is surely nothing strange;
For no one yet could ever find
He'd any mind to change.

CDLXXXVII.--A FAIR PROPOSAL.

"WHY don't you take off your hat?" said Lord F---- to a boy struggling with a calf. "So I wull, sir," replied the lad; "if your lordship will hold my calf, I'll pull off my hat."

CDLXXXVIII.--A DOUBTFUL CREED.

JUDGE MAULE, in summing up a case of libel, and speaking of a defendant who had exhibited a spiteful piety, observed, "One of these defendants, Mr. Blank, is, it seems, a minister of religion--of what religion does not appear, but, to judge by his conduct, it cannot be any form of Christianity." Severe.

CDLXXXIX.--A SATISFACTORY TOTAL.

A SCOTCH Minister, after a hard day's labor, and while at a "denner tea," as he called it, kept incessantly praising the "haam," and stating that "Mrs. Dunlop at hame was as fond o' haam like that as he was," when the mistress kindly offered to send her the present of a ham. "It's unco kin' o' ye, unco kin', but I'll no pit ye to the trouble; I'll just tak' it hame on the horse afore me." When, on leaving, he mounted, and the ham was put into a sack, but some difficulty was experienced in getting it to lie properly. His inventive genius soon cut the Gordian-knot. "I think, mistress, a cheese in the ither en' wad mak' a gran' balance." The hint was immediately acted on, and, like another John Gilpin, he moved away with his "balance true."

CDXC.--GOOD RIDDANCE.

A CERTAIN well-known provincial bore having left a tavern-party, of which Burns was one, the bard immediately demanded a bumper, and, addressing himself to the chairman, said, "I give you the health, gentlemen all, of the waiter that called my Lord ---- out of the room."

CDXCI.--CALCULATION.

SAYS Giles, "My wife and I are two,
Yet, faith, I know not why, sir."
Quoth Jack, "You're ten, if I speak true;
She 's one and you're a cipher."

CDXCII.--GEORGE II. AND THE RECORDER.

WHEN that vacancy happened on the Exchequer Bench which was afterwards filled by Mr. Adams, the Ministry could not agree among themselves whom to appoint. It was debated in Council, the King, George II., being present; till, the dispute growing very warm, his Majesty put an end to the contest by calling out, in broken English, "I will have none of dese, give me the man wid de dying speech," meaning Mr. Adams, who was then Recorder of London, and whose business it therefore was to make the report to his Majesty of the convicts under sentence of death.

CDXCIII.--SLEEPING ROUND.

THE celebrated Quin had this faculty. "What sort of a morning is it, John?"--"Very wet, sir."--"Any mullet in the market?"--"No, sir."--"Then, John, you may call me this time to-morrow." So saying, he composed himself to sleep, and got rid of the ennui of a dull day.

CDXCIV.--AT HIS FINGERS' ENDS.

"I SUPPOSE," said a quack, while feeling the pulse of his patient, "that you think me a humbug?"--"Sir," replied the sick man, "I perceive that you can discover a man's thoughts by your touch."

CDXCV.--NOT SO EASY.

A CERTAIN learned serjeant, who is apt to be testy in argument, was advised by the Court not to show temper, but to show cause.

CDXCVI.--A POINT.

POPE was one evening at Button's coffee-house, where he and a set of literati had got poring over a Latin manuscript, in which they had found a passage that none of them could comprehend. A young officer, who heard their conference, begged that he might be permitted to look at the passage. "Oh," says Pope, sarcastically, "by all means; pray let the young gentleman look at it." Upon which the officer took up the manuscript, and, considering it a while, said there only wanted a note of interrogation to make the whole intelligible: which was really the case. "And pray, master," says Pope, with a sneer, "what is a note of interrogation?"--"A note of interrogation," replied the young fellow, with a look of great contempt, "is a little crooked thing that asks questions."

CDXCVII.--THE REPUBLIC OF LEARNING.

ONE asked another why learning was always called a republic. "Forsooth," quoth the other, "because scholars are so poor that they have not a sovereign amongst them."

CDXCVIII.--CHALLENGING A JURY.

AN Irish fire-eater, previous to a trial in which he was the defendant, was informed by his counsel, that if there were any of the jury to whom he objected, he might legally challenge them. "Faith, and so I will," replied he; "if they do not acquit me I will challenge every man of them."

CDXCIX.--WALPOLIANA.

WHEN Mr. Naylor's father married his second wife, Naylor said, "Father, they say you are to be married to-day; are you?"--"Well," replied the Bishop, "and what is that to you?"--"Nay, nothing; only if you had told me, I would have powdered my hair."

A tutor at Cambridge had been examining some lads in Latin; but in a little while excused himself, and said he must speak English, for his mouth was very sore.

After going out of the Commons, and fighting a duel with Mr. Chetwynd, whom he wounded, "my uncle" (says Walpole) "returned to the House, and was so little moved as to speak immediately upon the cambric bill;" which made Swinny say, that "it was a sign he was not ruffled."

D.--MINDING HIS BUSINESS.

MURPHY was asked how it was so difficult to waken him in the morning: "Indeed, master, it's because of taking your own advice, always to attind to what I'm about; so whenever I sleeps, I pays attintion to it."

DI.--PENCE TABLE.

A SCHOOLBOY going into the village without leave, his master called after him, "Where are you going, sir?"--"I am going to buy a ha'porth of nails."--"What do you want a ha'porth of nails for?"--"For a halfpenny," replied the urchin.

DII.--SATISFACTION.

LORD WILLIAM POULAT was said to be the author of a pamphlet called "The Snake in the Grass." A gentleman abused in it sent him a challenge. Lord William protested his innocence, but the gentleman insisted upon a denial under his own hand. Lord William took a pen and began: "This is to scratify that the buk called 'The Snak'"--"Oh! my Lord," said the person, "I am satisfied; your Lordship has already convinced me you did not write the book."

DIII.--A SAFE APPEAL.

A PHYSICIAN once defended himself from raillery by saying, "I defy any person whom I ever attended, to accuse me of ignorance or neglect."--"That you may do safely," replied an auditor, "for you know, doctor, dead men tell no tales."

DIV.--A CAUTIOUS LOVER.

"WHEN I courted her," said Spreadweasel, "I took lawyer's advice, and signed every letter to my love,--'Yours, without prejudice!'"--D.J.

DV.--THE SWORD AND THE SCABBARD.

A WAG, on seeing his friend with something under his cloak, asked him what it was. "A poniard," answered he; but he observed that it was a bottle: taking it from him, and drinking the contents, he returned it, saying, "There, I give you the scabbard back again."

DVI.--TOUCHING.

WHEN Lord Eldon resigned the Great Seal, a small barrister said, "To me his loss is irreparable. Lord Eldon always behaved to me like a father."--"Yes," remarked Brougham, "I understand he always treated you like a child."

DVII.--THE COLLEGE BELL!

AT a party of college grandees, one of the big-wigs proposed that each gentleman should toast his favorite Belle. When it came to the turn of Dr. Barrett (who happened to be one of the quorum) to be called on for the name of the fair object of his admiration, he very facetiously gave, "The College Bell!" Vivat Collegium Sancti Petri;

DVIII.--FRENCH LANGUAGE.

WHEN some one was expatiating on the merits of the French language to Mr. Canning, he exclaimed: "Why, what on earth, sir, can be expected of a language which has but one word for liking and loving, and puts a fine woman and a leg of mutton on a par:--J'aime Julie; J'aime un gigot;"

DIX.--EPIGRAM.

(On the alleged disinterestedness of a certain Prelate.)

HE says he don't think of himself,
And I'm to believe him inclined;
For by the confession, the elf
Admits that he's out of his mind.

DX.--CERTAINLY NOT ASLEEP.

A COUNTRY schoolmaster had two pupils, to one of whom he was partial, and to the other severe. One morning it happened that these two boys were late, and were called up to account for it. "You must have heard the bell, boys; why did you not come?"--"Please, sir," said the favorite, "I was dreaming that I was going to Margate, and I thought the school-bell was the steamboat-bell."--"Very well," said the master, glad of any pretext to excuse his favorite. "And now, sir," turning to the other, "what have you to say?"--"Please, sir," said the puzzled boy, "I--I--was waiting to see Tom off;"

DXI.--ANTICIPATION.

LORD AVONDALE, Chief Baron of the Exchequer, was much given to anticipation. A lawyer once observed in his presence, "Coming through the market just now I saw a butcher, with his knife, going to kill a calf; at that moment a child ran across him, and he killed ----" "O, my goodness!--he killed the child;" exclaimed his lordship. "No, my lord, the calf; but you will always anticipate."

DXII.--THE BEST JUDGE.

A LADY said to her husband, in Jerrold's presence:--

"My dear, you certainly want some new trousers."--"No, I think not," replied the husband.

"Well," Jerrold interposed, "I think the lady who always wears them ought to know."

DXIII.--THE RIVALS.

A GOOD story of Gibbon is told in the last volume of Moore's Memoirs. The dramatis personæ were Lady Elizabeth Foster, Gibbon the historian, and an eminent French physician,--the historian and doctor being rivals in courting the lady's favor. Impatient at Gibbon's occupying so much of her attention by his conversation, the doctor said crossly to him, "Quand milady Elizabeth Foster sera malade de vos fadaises, je la guérirai." [When my Lady Elizabeth Foster is made ill by your twaddle, I will cure her.] On which Gibbon, drawing himself up grandly, and looking disdainfully at the physician, replied, "Quand milady Elizabeth Foster sera morte de vos recettes, je l'im-mor-taliserai." [When my Lady Elizabeth Foster is dead from your recipes I will immortalize her.]

DXIV.--DEAD LANGUAGE.

AMONG the many English who visited Paris in 1815 was Alderman Wood, who had previously filled the office of Lord Mayor of London. He ordered a hundred visiting cards, inscribing upon them. "Alderman Wood, feu Lord Maire de Londres," which he distributed amongst people of rank, having translated the word "late" into "feu," which we need hardly state means "dead."

DXV.--WALPOLIANA.

SIR JOHN GERMAIN was so ignorant, that he is said to have left a legacy to Sir Matthew Decker, as the author of St. Matthew's Gospel.

Churchill (General C----, a natural son of the Marlborough family) asked Pulteney the other day, "Well, Mr. Pulteney, will you break me, too?"--"No, Charles," replied he, "you break fast enough of yourself!" Don't you think it hurt him more than the other breaking would?

Walpole was plagued one morning with that oaf of unlicked antiquity, Prideaux, and his great boy. He talked through all Italy, and everything in all Italy. Upon mentioning Stosch, Walpole asked if he had seen his collection. He replied, very few of his things, for he did not like his company; that he never heard so much heathenish talk in his days. Walpole inquired what it was, and found that Stosch had one day said before him, that the soul was only a little glue.

DXVI.--A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE.

A CLERGYMAN, who had to preach before Archbishop Whately, begged to be let off, saying, "I hope your Grace will excuse my preaching next Sunday."--"Certainly," said the other indulgently. Sunday came, and the archbishop said to him, "Well! Mr. ----, what became of you? we expected you to preach to-day."--"Oh, your Grace said you would excuse my preaching to-day."--"Exactly; but I did not say I would excuse you from preaching."

DXVII.--EPIGRAM.

(On Mr. Croker's reputation for being a wag.)

THEY say his wit's refined; Thus is explained
The seeming mystery--his wit is strained.

DXVIII.--A NICE DISTINCTION.

"WHAT is the difference," asked Archbishop Whately of a young clergyman he was examining, "between a form and a ceremony? The meaning seems nearly the same; yet there is a very nice distinction." Various answers were given. "Well," he said, "it lies in this: you sit upon a form, but you stand upon ceremony."

DXIX.--LATE DINNER.

SOME one remarking that the dinner hour was always getting later and later, "Ay," quoth Rogers, "it will soon end in our not dining till to-morrow."

DXX.--AN OLD JOKE.

AS a wag at a ball, to a nymph on each arm
Alternately turning, and thinking to charm,
Exclaimed in these words, of which Quin was the giver--
"You're my Gizzard, my dear; and, my love, you're my Liver."
"Alas!" cried the Fair on his left--"to what use?
For you never saw either served up with a goose!"

DXXI.--TIME WORKS WONDERS.

A GENTLEMAN dining at a hotel, whose servants were "few and far between," despatched a lad among them for a cut of beef. After a long time the lad returned, and was asked by the faint and hungry gentleman, "Are you the lad who took away my plate for this beef?"--"Yes, sir."--"Bless me," resumed the hungry wit, "how you have grown;"