The Jest Book

7. Ireland's Forgery

DCXXIII.--IRELAND'S FORGERY.

SAYS Kemble to Lewis, "Pray what is your play?"
Cries Lewis to Kemble, "The Lie of the Day;"
"Say you so?" replied Kemble; "why, we act the same;
But to cozen the town we adopt a new name;
For that Vortigern's Shakespeare's we some of us say,
Which you very well know is a lie of the day."

DCXXIV.--A GOOD ONE.

LAMB and Coleridge were talking together on the incidents of Coleridge's early life, when he was beginning his career in the church, and Coleridge was describing some of the facts in his usual tone, when he paused, and said, "Pray, Mr. Lamb, did you ever hear me preach?"--"I never heard you do anything else!" said Lamb.

DCXXV.--"WRITE ME DOWN AN ASS."

A VERY stupid foreman asked a judge how they were to ignore a bill. "Write Ignoramus for self and fellows on the back of it," said Curran.

DCXXVI.--A WORD TO THE WISE.

DR. BALGUY, a preacher of great celebrity, after having preached an excellent discourse at Winchester Cathedral, the text of which was, "All wisdom is sorrow," received the following elegant compliment from Dr. Wharton, then at Winchester school:--

If what you advance, dear doctor, be true,
That "wisdom is sorrow," how wretched are you.

DCXXVII.--LIBERAL GIFT.

A COMEDIAN at Covent Garden advised one of the scene-shifters, who had met with an accident, to try a subscription; and a few days afterwards he asked for the list of names, which, when he had read over, he returned. "Why, sir," says the poor fellow, "won't you give me something?"--"Why, zounds, man," replied the comedian, "didn't I give you the hint?"

DCXXVIII.--EASILY ANSWERED.

A CERTAIN Lord Mayor hearing of a gentleman who had had the small-pox twice, and died of it, asked, if he died the first time or the second.

DCXXIX.--ON THE LATIN GERUNDS.

WHEN Dido mourned, Æneas would not come,
She wept in silence, and was Di-Do-Dumb.

DCXXX.--DODGING A CREDITOR.

A CREDITOR, whom he was anxious to avoid, met Sheridan coming out of Pall Mall. There was no possibility of avoiding him, but he did not lose his presence of mind. "That's a beautiful mare you are on!" said Sheridan. "Do you think so?"--"Yes, indeed! how does she trot?" The creditor, highly flattered, put her into full trot. Sheridan bolted round the corner, and was out of sight in a moment.

DCXXXI.--BAD HABIT.

SIR FREDERICK FLOOD had a droll habit, of which he could never effectually break himself. Whenever a person at his back whispered or suggested anything to him whilst he was speaking in public, without a moment's reflection, he always repeated the suggestion literatim. Sir Frederick was once making a long speech in the Irish Parliament, lauding the transcendent merits of the Wexford magistracy, on a motion for extending the criminal jurisdiction in that county, to keep down the disaffected. As he was closing a most turgid oration by declaring "that the said magistracy ought to receive some signal mark of the Lord-Lieutenant's favor," John Egan, who was rather mellow, and sitting behind him, jocularly whispered, "and be whipped at the cart's tail."--"And be whipped at the cart's tail!" repeated Sir Frederick unconsciously, amidst peals of uncontrollable laughter.

DCXXXII.--WHO'S TO BLAME.

KING JAMES used to say, that he never knew a modest man make his way in a court. As he was repeating this expression one day, a David Floyd, who was then in waiting at his Majesty's elbow, replied bluntly, "Pray, sir, whose fault is that!" The king stood corrected, and was silent.

DCXXXIII.--THE LETTER H.

SIR JAMES SCARLETT, when at the Bar, had to cross-examine a witness whose evidence it was thought would be very damaging, unless he could be bothered a little, and his only vulnerable point was said to be his self-esteem. The witness presented himself in the box,--a portly, overdressed person,--and Scarlett took him in hand.

Q. Mr. John Tomkins, I believe?

A. Yes.

Q. You are a stock-broker?

A. I ham;

Scarlett regarded him attentively for a few moments, and then said: "And a very fine, well-dressed ham you are, sir?"

The shouts of laughter which followed completely disconcerted the witness, and the counsel's point was gained.

DCXXXIV.--TRUTH AND RHYME.

IN the days of Charles II., candidates for holy orders were expected to respond in Latin to the various interrogatories put to them by the bishop or his examining chaplain. When the celebrated Dr. Isaac Barrow (who was fellow of Trinity College, and tutor to the immortal Newton) had taken his bachelor's degree, he presented himself before the bishop's chaplain, who, with the stiff stern visage of the times, said to Barrow,--

"Quid est fides?" (What is faith?)

"Quod non vides" (What thou dost not see),

answered Barrow with the utmost promptitude. The chaplain, a little vexed at Barrow's laconic answer, continued,--

"Quid est spes?" (What is hope?)

"Magna res" (A great thing),

replied the young candidate in the same breath.

"Quid est charitas?" (What is charity?)

was the next question.

"Magna raritas" (A great rarity),

was again the prompt reply of Barrow, blending truth and rhyme with a precision that staggered the reverend examiner, who went direct to the bishop and told him that a young Cantab had thought proper to give rhyming answers to three several moral questions, and added that he believed his name was Barrow, of Trinity College, Cambridge. "Barrow, Barrow!" said the bishop, who well knew the literary and moral worth of the young Cantab, "if that's the case, ask him no more questions, for he is much better qualified," continued his lordship, "to examine us than we him." Barrow received his letters of orders forthwith.

DCXXXV.--A GOOD TRANSLATION.

"PISTOR erat quondam, laborando qui fregit collum:
Qui fregit collum, collum fregitque suum."

Thus translated--

"There was a baker heretofore, with labor and great pain:
Did break his neck, and break his neck, and break his neck again."

DCXXXVI.--MAD QUAKERS.

A MAD Quaker belongs to a small and rich sect; and is, therefore, of greater importance than any other mad person of the same degree in life.

DCXXXVII.--BACON.

A MALEFACTOR, under sentence of death, pretending that he was related to him, on that account petitioned Lord Chancellor Bacon for a reprieve. To which petition his lordship answered, "that he could not possibly be Bacon till he had first been hung."

DCXXXVIII.--A LETTER WANTING.

SAID vain Andrew Scalp, "My initials, I guess,
Are known, so I sign all my poems, A.S."
Said Jerrold, "I own you're a reticent youth,
For that's telling only two thirds of the truth."

DCXXXIX.--ADVICE TO THE YOUNG.

JERROLD said to an ardent young gentleman, who burned with a desire to see himself in print, "Be advised by me, young man: don't take down the shutters before there is something in the window."

DCXL.--A PROMISE TO PAY.

JOE HAINES was more remarkable for his practical jokes than for his acting. He was seized one morning by two bailiffs, for a debt of 20l., as the Bishop of Ely was passing by in his coach. "Gentlemen," said Joe, "here's my cousin the Bishop of Ely going by his house; let me but speak to him, and he'll pay the debt and charges." The bailiffs thought they might venture this, as they were within three or four yards of him. Joe went boldly up to the coach, and pulled his hat off to the bishop. His lordship ordered the coach to stop, when Joe whispered him gently, "My lord, here are two men who have such great scruples of conscience, that I fear they'll hang themselves."--"Very well," said the bishop; so, calling to the bailiffs, he said, "You two men come to me to-morrow morning, and I will satisfy you." The men bowed, and went away pleased. Early on the following day, the bailiffs, expecting the debt and charges, paid a visit to the bishop; when, being introduced, his lordship addressed them. "Well, my men, what are your scruples of conscience?"--"Scruples!" echoed the bailiff; "we have no scruples. We are bailiffs, my lord, who yesterday arrested your cousin, Joe Haines, for a debt of 20l.; and your lordship kindly promised to satisfy us to-day." The bishop, reflecting that his honor and name would be exposed were he not to comply, paid the debt and charges.

DCXLI.--PUNCTUATION.

SOME gentlemen talking on the inattention of writers to punctuation, it was observed that the lawyers used no stops in their writings. "I should not mind that," said one of the party, "but they put no periods to their works."

DCXLII.--CON-CIDER-ATE.

LORD BOTTETOT, in passing through Gloucester, soon after the cider tax, in which he was very unpopular, observing himself burning in effigy, he stopped his coach, and giving a purse of guineas to the mob, said, "Pray, gentlemen, if you will burn me, burn me like a gentleman; do not let me linger; I see you have not faggots enough." This good-humored speech appeased the people, who gave him three cheers, and let him pass.

DCXLIII.--FEAR OF EDUCATING WOMEN.

THERE is a very general notion, that if you once suffer women to eat of the tree of knowledge, the rest of the family will very soon be reduced to the same kind of aerial and unsatisfactory diet.

DCXLIV.--A-LIQUID.

PORSON, once conversing with a party of congenial friends, seemed at a loss for something to cheer the inward man, and drawing his glass mechanically towards him, he took up one bottle, and then another, without finding wherewithal to replenish. A friend observing this, he inquired what the professor was in search of. "Only a-liquid;" answered Porson.

DCXLV.--TOP AND BOTTOM.

THE following playful colloquy in verse took place at a dinner-table between Sir George Rose and James Smith, in allusion to Craven Street, Strand, where he resided:--

J.S.--"At the top of the street ten attorneys find place,
And ten dark coal barges are moored:
Fly, honesty, fly, to some safer retreat,
For there's craft in the river, and craft in the
street."

Sir G.R.--"Why should Honesty fly to some safer retreat,
From attorneys and barges, od rot 'em?
For the attorneys are just at the top of the street,
And the barges are just at the bottom."

DCXLVI.--A SUGGESTIVE PRESENT.

JERROLD and a company of literary friends were out in the country. In the course of their walk, they stopped to notice the gambols of an ass's foal. A very sentimental poet present vowed that he should like to send the little thing as a present to his mother. "Do," Jerrold replied, "and tie a piece of paper round its neck, bearing this motto,--'When this you see, remember me.'"

DCXLVII.--A NEW DISGUISE.

THE Duke of Norfolk of Foote's time was much addicted to the bottle. On a masquerade night, he asked Foote what new character he should go in. "Go sober!" said Foote.

DCXLVIII.--WET AND DRY.

DR. MACKNIGHT, who was a better commentator than preacher, having been caught in a shower of rain, entered the vestry soaked with wet. As the time drew on for divine service he became much distressed, and ejaculated over and over, "O, I wish that I was dry! Do you think I'm dry? Do you think I'm dry eneuch noo?" To this his jocose colleague, Dr. Henry, the historian, returned: "Bide a wee, doctor, and ye'se be dry eneuch when ye get into the pu'pit."

DCXLIX.--RUM AND WATER.

A CERTAIN Scotchman, who is not a member of any temperance society, being asked by a dealer to purchase some fine old Jamaica, dryly answered, "To tell you the truth, Mr. ----, I canna' say I'm very fond of rum; for if I tak' mair than six tum'lers, it's very apt to gi'e me a headache."

DCL.--A BUDGET OF BLUNDERS.

PERHAPS the best concentrated specimen of blunders, such as occur in all nations, but which, of course, are fathered upon Paddy wholesale, as if by common consent, is the following:--

Copy of a Letter, written during the Rebellion by Sir ----, an Irish Member of Parliament, to his friend in London.

MY DEAR SIR,--

Having now a little peace and quietness, I sit down to inform you of the dreadful bustle and confusion we are in from these blood-thirsty rebels, most of whom are, I'm glad to say, killed and dispersed. We are in a pretty mess, can get nothing to eat, nor wine to drink, except whiskey, and when we sit down to dinner we are obliged to keep both hands armed. Whilst I write this, I hold a sword in each hand and a pistol in the other. I concluded from the beginning that this would be the end of it, and I see I was right, for it is not half over yet. At present there are such goings on that everything is at a standstill. I should have answered your letter a fortnight ago, but I did not receive it till this morning. Indeed, scarcely a mail arrives safe without being robbed. No longer ago than yesterday the coach with the mails from Dublin was robbed near this town; the bags had been judiciously left behind for fear of accident, and by good luck there was nobody in it but two outside passengers, who had nothing for the thieves to take. Last Thursday notice was given that a gang of rebels was advancing here under the French standard, but they had no colors, nor any drums except bagpipes. Immediately every man in the place, including women and children, ran out to meet them. We soon found our force much too little; we were far too near to think of retreating. Death was in every face, but to it we went, and, by the time half our little party were killed, we began to be all alive again. Fortunately the rebels had no guns, except pistols, cutlasses, and pikes, and as we had plenty of muskets and ammunition, we put them all to the sword. Not a soul of them escaped, except some that were drowned in an adjacent bog, and, in a very short time, nothing was to be heard but silence. Their uniforms were all different colors, but mostly green. After the action we went to rummage a sort of camp, which they had left behind them. All we found was a few pikes, without heads, a parcel of empty bottles full of water, and a bundle of French commissions filled up with Irish names. Troops are now stationed all round the country, which exactly squares with my ideas.

I have only time to add that I am in great haste.

Yours truly, ---- ----.

P.S.--If you do not receive this, of course it must have miscarried, therefore I beg you will write to let me know.

DCLI.--IMPROMPTU.

(Spoken between the Third and Fourth Acts of Cowley's Tragedy "The Fall of Sparta.")

SO great thy art, that while we viewed,
Of Sparta's sons the lot severe,
We caught the Spartan fortitude,
And saw their woes without a tear;

DCLII.--WILKES AND A LIBERTY.

SO ungrateful was the sound of "Wilkes and No. 45" (the famous number of the "North Briton") to George III., that about 1772, George IV., then a mere boy, having been chid for some fault, and wishing to take his boyish revenge, stole to the king's apartment, and shouting at the door, "Wilkes and No. 45 for ever!" ran away.

DCLIII.--A STRANGE OBJECTION.

A GREAT drinker being at table, they offered him grapes at dessert. "Thank you!" said he, pushing back the plate, "I don't take my wine in pills;"

DCLIV.--THE TIMIDITY OF BEAUTY.

IT'S a great comfort for timid men, that beauty, like the elephant, doesn't know its strength. Otherwise, how it would trample upon us!--D.J.

DCLV.--MAKING A CLEARANCE.

AT Glasgow forty years ago, when the time had come for the bowl to be introduced, some jovial and thirsty member of the company proposed as a toast, "The trade of Glasgow and the outward bound;" the hint was taken, and silks and satins moved off to the drawing-room.

DCLVI.--A SMART ONE-POUNDER.

WHILE the "Beggar's Opera" was under rehearsal at the Haymarket Theatre, in 1823, Miss Paton, who was to play the part of Polly, expressed a wish to sing the air of "The Miser thus a Shilling sees," a note higher; to which the stage-manager immediately replied, "Then, Miss, you must sing, 'The Miser thus a Guinea sees.'"

DCLVII.--RESIGNATION.

AN actor, on his benefit night, having a very limited audience, when he came to the often-quoted passage, "'Tis not in mortals to command success, We'll do more, Sempronius--we'll deserve it," heaved a deep sigh, and substituted for the last line, "We'll do more, Sempronius,--we'll do without it."

DCLVIII.--DELPINI'S REMONSTRANCE.

DELPINI had repeatedly applied to the Prince of Wales to speak to the Lord Chamberlain to grant him a license for a play at the Little Theatre in the Haymarket, always pleading poverty: at last, when he once met his Royal Highness coming out of Carlton House, he exclaimed, "Ah, votre Altesse! mon Prince! If you do not speak to Milor Chamberlain for pauvre Delpini, I must go to your papa's bench."

DCLIX.--A PHONETIC JOKE.

A LITTLE girl playing at the game of "I love my love with an A," &c., having arrived at the letter Z, displayed her orthographical acquirements by taking her lover to the sign of the Zebra, and treating him to Zeidlitz powders.

DCLX.--PURE FOLKS.

VERY pure folks won't be held up to the light and shown to be very dirty bottles, without paying back hard abuse for the impertinence.

DCLXI.--GOOD NEWS FOR THE CHANCELLOR.

WE have to congratulate the Right Honorable Lord Brougham on the following piece of intelligence: "Yarn has risen one farthing a pound." His lordship's long speeches are of course at a premium.--G. a'B.

DCLXII.--JUSTICE NOT ALWAYS BLIND.

WESTMACOTT, of the Age paper, having libelled a gentleman, was well thrashed for his pains. Declaring afterwards that he would have justice done him, a person present remarked, "That has been done already." A similar story is told of Voltaire and the Regent of France.

DCLXIII.--KITCHENER AND COLMAN.

THE most celebrated wits and bon vivants of the day graced the dinner-table of the late Dr. Kitchener, and, inter alia, the late George Colman, who was an especial favorite; his interpolation of a little monosyllable in a written admonition which the Doctor caused to be placed on the mantlepiece of the dining parlor will never be forgotten, and was the origin of such a drinking bout as was seldom permitted under his roof. The caution ran thus: "Come at seven, go at eleven." Colman briefly altered the sense of it; for, upon the Doctor's attention being directed to the card, he read, to his astonishment, "Come at seven, go it at eleven!" which the guests did, and the claret was punished accordingly.

DCLXIV.--A SPARE MAN.

JERROLD said to a very thin man, "Sir, you are like a pin, but without the head or the point."

DCLXV.--A LONG BILL.

WHEN Foote was at Salt Hill, he dined at the Castle Inn, and when Partridge, the host, produced his bill, which was rather exorbitant, the comedian asked him his name. "Partridge, sir," said he. "Partridge! It should have been Woodcock, by the length of your bill;"

DCLXVI.--ROYAL PUN.

WHEN a noble Admiral of the White, well known for his gallant spirit, his gentlemanly manners, and real goodness of heart, was introduced to William the Fourth, to return thanks for his promotion, the cheerful and affable monarch, looking at his hair, which was almost as white as the newly-fallen snow, jocosely exclaimed, "White at the main, Admiral! white at the main;"

DCLXVII.--A COLORABLE RESEMBLANCE.

TWO silly brothers, twins, who were very much about town in Theodore Hook's time, took pains, by dressing alike, to deceive their friends as to their identity. Tom Hill (the original of Paul Pry) was expatiating upon these modern Dromios, at which Hook grew impatient. "Well," said Hill, "you will admit they resemble each other wonderfully: they are as like as two peas."--"They are," retorted Hook, "and quite as green."

DCLXVIII.--SPRANGER BARRY.

THIS celebrated actor was, perhaps, in no part so excellent as that of Romeo, for which he was particularly fitted by an uncommonly handsome and commanding person, and a silver-toned voice. At the time that he attracted the town to Covent Garden by his excellent performance of his part, Garrick found it absolutely necessary to divide the attention of the public by performing Romeo himself at Drury Lane. He wanted the natural advantages of Barry, and, great as he was, would, perhaps, have willingly avoided such a contention. This, at least, seems to have been a prevailing opinion; for in the garden scene, when Juliet in soliloquy exclaims, "O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?" an auditor archly replied, aloud, "Because Barry has gone to the other house."

DCLXIX.--BAD SPORT.

MR. HARE, formerly the envoy to Poland, had apartments in the same house with Mr. Fox, and like his friend Charles, had frequent visits from bailiffs. One morning, as he was looking out of his window, he observed two of them at the door. "Pray, gentlemen," says he, "are you Fox hunting, or Hare hunting this morning?"

DCLXX.--MEASURE FOR MEASURE.

THE amiable Mrs. W---- always insists that her friends who take grog shall mix equal quantities of spirits and water, though she never observes the rule for herself. A writer of plays having once made a glass under her directions, was asked by the lady, "Pray, sir, is it As you like it?"--"No, madam," replied the dramatist; "it is Measure for Measure."

DCLXXI.--A PROBABILITY.

JONATHAN and his friend Paddy were enjoying a delightful ride, when they came in sight of what is very unusual in any civilized state now-a-days--an old gallows or gibbet. This suggested to the American the idea of being witty at the expense of his Irish companion. "You see that, I calculate," said he nasally, pointing to the object just mentioned; "and now where would you be if the gallows had its due?"--"Riding alone," coolly replied Paddy.

DCLXXII.--LEGAL ADULTERATION.

SEVERAL publicans being assembled at Malton, in Yorkshire, in order to renew their licenses to retail beer, the worthy magistrate addressed one of them (an old woman), and said he trusted she did not put any pernicious ingredients into the liquor; to which she immediately replied: "I'll assure your worship there's naught pernicious put into our barrels that I know of, but the exciseman's stick."

DCLXXIII.--VOX ET PRÆTEREA NIHIL.

"I WONDER if Brougham thinks as much as he talks,"
Said a punster perusing a trial;
"I vow, since his lordship was made Baron Vaux,
He's been Vaux et præterea nihil."

DCLXXIV.--SALISBURY CATHEDRAL SPIRE.

A SEXTON in Salisbury Cathedral was telling Charles Lamb that eight people had dined at the pointed top of the spire; upon which Lamb remarked that they must have been very sharp set.

DCLXXV.--AN ACT OF JUSTICE.

DR. BARTON, being in company with Dr. Nash, who had just printed two heavy folios on the antiquities of Worcestershire, remarked that the publication was deficient in several respects, adding, "Pray, doctor, are you not a justice of the peace?"--"I am," replied Nash. "Then," said Barton, "I advise you to send your work to the house of correction."

DCLXXVI.--LISTON'S DREAM.

AS Liston lay wrapt in delicious repose,
Most harmoniously playing a tune with his nose,
In a dream there appeared the adorable Venus,
Who said, "To be sure there's no likeness between us;
Yet to show a celestial to kindness so prone is,
Your looks shall soon rival the handsome Adonis."
Liston woke in a fright, and cried, "Heaven preserve me!
If my face you improve, zounds! madam, you'll starve me;"

DCLXXVII.--A VOLUMINOUS SPEAKER.

A WELL-KNOWN lawyer, Mr. Marryatt, who declared he had never opened any book after he left school but a law book, once told a jury, when speaking of a chimney on fire: "Gentlemen, the chimney took fire; it poured forth volumes of smoke! Volumes, did I say? Whole encyclopædias;" Mr. Marryatt is said to have applied for two mandami.

DCLXXVIII.--A SUGGESTIVE QUESTION.

DOUGLAS JERROLD, discussing one day with Mr. Selby, the vexed question of adapting dramatic pieces from the French, that gentleman insisted upon claiming some of his characters as strictly original creations. "Do you remember my Baroness in Ask no Questions?" said Mr. S. "Yes, indeed. I don't think I ever saw a piece of yours without being struck by your barrenness," was the retort.

DCLXXIX.--LOVE AND HYMEN.

HYMEN comes when he is called, and Love when he pleases.

DCLXXX.--PAR NOBILE FRATRUM.

A FORMER laird of Brotherton was on all occasions a man of few words. He had a favorite tame goose, and for hours together Brotherton and his silent companion sat by the fireside opposite to each other. On one occasion a candidate for the representation of the county in Parliament called upon him to solicit his vote, and urged his request with much eloquence; to all which the laird replied only by nods and smiles, without saying a word. When, however, the candidate was gone, he looked across to his goose, and emphatically remarked, "I'm thinkin' yon windy chiel'll no tell muckle that you and I said till him."

DCLXXXI.--PLAIN LANGUAGE.

MR. JOHN CLERK, in pleading before the House of Lords one day, happened to say, in his broadest Scotch accent, "In plain English, ma Lords;" upon which Lord Eldon jocosely remarked, "In plain Scotch, you mean, Mr. Clerk." The prompt advocate instantly rejoined, "Na matter! in plain common sense, ma Lords, and that's the same in a' languages, ye'll ken."

DCLXXXII.--A SETTLER.

A FARMER, in a stage-coach with Charles Lamb, kept boring him to death with questions in the jargon of agriculturists about crops. At length he put a poser--"And pray, sir, how are turnips t'year?"--"Why that, sir," stammered out Lamb, "will depend upon the boiled legs of mutton."

DCLXXXIII.--CASH PAYMENTS.

PETERSON the comedian lent a brother actor two shillings, and when he made a demand for the sum, the debtor, turning peevishly from him, said, "Hang it! I'll pay you to-day in some shape or other." Peterson good-humoredly replied, "I shall be much obliged to you, Tom, to let it be as like two shillings as you can."

DCLXXXIV.--LAWYER'S HOUSE.

THE lawyer's house, if I have rightly read, Is built upon the fool or madman's head.

DCLXXXV.--A REASONABLE DEMAND. COLONEL B---- was remarkably fat, and coming one night out of the playhouse, called a chair; but while he was preparing to squeeze into it, a friend, who was stepping into his chariot, called out to him, "B----, I go by your door, and will set you down." B---- gave the chairman a shilling, and was going; when one of them scratched his head, and hoped his honor would give him more than a shilling. "For what, you scoundrel? when I never got into your chair?"--"But consider the fright your honor put us into," replied Pat,--"consider the fright;"

DCLXXXVI.--EBENEZER ADAMS.

THIS celebrated Quaker, on visiting a lady of rank, whom he found six months after the death of her husband, sitting on a sofa covered with black cloth, and in all the dignity of woe, approached her with great solemnity, and gently taking her by the hand, thus accosted her: "So friend, I see that thou hast not yet forgiven God Almighty." This seasonable reproof had such an effect upon the person to whom it was addressed, that she immediately laid aside her trappings of grief, and went about her necessary business and avocations.

DCLXXXVII.--ONE BITE AT A CHERRY.

A YOUNG fellow once offered to kiss a Quakeress. "Friend," said she, "thee must not do it."--"O, by Jove! but I must," said the youth. "Well, friend, as thee hast sworn, thee may do it, but thee must not make a practice of it."

DCLXXXVIII.--A FIG FOR THE GROCER!

WHEN Abernethy was canvassing for the office of surgeon to St. Bartholomew's Hospital, he called upon a rich grocer. The great man, addressing him, said, "I suppose, sir, you want my vote and interest at this momentous epoch of your life."--"No, I don't," said Abernethy. "I want a pennyworth of figs; come, look sharp and wrap them up; I want to be off!"

DCLXXXIX.--STEAM-BOAT RACING.

SIR CHARLES LYELL, when in the United States, received the following advice from a friend: "When you are racing with an opposition steam-boat, or chasing her, and the other passengers are cheering the captain, who is sitting on the safety-valve to keep it down with his weight, go as far as you can from the engine, and lose no time, especially if you hear the captain exclaim, 'Fire up, boys! put on the resin!' Should a servant call out, 'Those gentlemen who have not paid their passage will please to go to the ladies' cabin,' obey the summons without a moment's delay, for then an explosion may be apprehended. 'Why to the ladies' cabin?' said I. Because it is the safe end of the boat, and they are getting anxious for the personal security of those who have not yet paid their dollars, being, of course, indifferent about the rest. Therefore never pay in advance; for should you fall overboard during a race, and the watch cries out to the captain, 'A passenger overboard,' he will ask, 'Has he paid his passage?' and if he receives an answer in the affirmative, he will call out 'Go ahead;'"

DCXC.--GENTLY, JEMMY.

SIR JAMES MACKINTOSH invited Dr. Parr to take a drive in his gig. The horse became restive. "Gently, Jemmy," says the doctor, "don't irritate him; always soothe your horse, Jemmy. You'll do better without me. Let me down, Jemmy." Once on terra-firma, the doctor's view of the case was changed. "Now, Jemmy, touch him up. Never let a horse get the better of you. Touch him up, conquer him, don't spare him; and now, I'll leave you to manage him--I'll walk back."

DCXCI.--WHAT'S IN A SYLLABLE?

LONGFELLOW, the poet, was introduced to one Longworth, and some one noticed the similarity of the first syllable of the names. "Yes," said the poet, "but in this case I fear Pope's line will apply,--'Worth makes the man, the want of it the fellow.'"

DCXCII.--QUIET THEFT.

A SADDLE being missing at a funeral, it was observed, no wonder that nothing was heard of it, for it is believed to have been stolen by a mute.

DCXCIII.--GOOD ADVICE.

A YOUNG man (placed by his friends as a student at a veterinary college) being in company with some of his colleagues, was asked, "If a broken-winded horse were brought to him for cure, what he would advise?" After considering for a moment, "Advise," said he, "I should advise the owner to sell as soon as possible."

DCXCIV.--CRITICISING A STATUE.

SOON after Canning's statue was put up in Palace Yard, in all its verdant freshness, the carbonate of copper not yet blackened by the smoke of London, Mr. Justice Gazelee was walking away from Westminster Hall with a friend, when the judge, looking at the statue (which is colossal), said, "I don't think this is very like Canning; he was not so large a man."--"No, my lord," replied his companion, "nor so green."

DCXCV.--A COMPARISON.

DURING the assizes, in a case of assault and battery, where a stone had been thrown by the defendant, the following clear and conclusive evidence was drawn out of a Yorkshireman:--

"Did you see the defendant throw the stone?"--"I saw a stone, and I'ze pretty sure the defendant throwed it."

"Was it a large stone?"--"I should say it wur a largish stone."

"What was its size?"--"I should say a sizeable stone."

"Can't you answer definitely how big it was?"--"I should say it wur a stone of some bigness."

"Can't you give the jury some idea of the stone?"--"Why, as near as I recollect, it wur something of a stone."

"Can't you compare it to some other object?"--"Why, if I wur to compare it, so as to give some notion of the stone, I should say it wur as large as a lump o' chalk!"

DCXCVI.--FATIGUE DUTY.

A CERTAIN reverend gentleman in the country was complaining to another that it was a great fatigue to preach twice a day. "Oh!" said the other, "I preach twice every Sunday, and make nothing of it."

DCXCVII.--GLUTTONS AND EPICURES.

STEPHEN KEMBLE (who was very fat) and Mrs. Esten, were crossing the Frith, when a gale sprang up, which alarmed the passengers. "Suppose, Mr. Kemble," said Mrs. Esten; "suppose we become food for fishes, which of us two do you think they will eat first?"--"Those that are gluttons," replied the comedian, "will undoubtedly fall foul of me, but the epicures will attack you!"

DCXCVIII.--A BAD END.

IT was told of Jekyll, that one of his friends, a brewer, had been drowned in his own vat. "Ah!" he exclaimed, "floating in his own watery bier."

DCXCIX.--ON THE NAME OF KEOPALANI (QUEEN OF THE SANDWICH ISLANDS), WHICH SIGNIFIES "THE DROPPING OF THE CLOUDS FROM HEAVEN."

THIS name's the best that could be given,
As will by proof be quickly seen;
For "dropping from the clouds from Heaven,"
She was, of course, the raining Queen.

DCC.--ACCOMMODATING PRINCIPLES.

IN one of Sir Robert Walpole's letters, he gives a very instructive picture of a skilful minister and a condescending Parliament. "My dear friend," writes Sir Robert, "there is scarcely a member whose purse I do not know to a sixpence, and whose very soul almost I could not purchase at the offer. The reason former ministers have been deceived in this matter is evident--they never considered the temper of the people they had to deal with. I have known a minister so weak as to offer an avaricious old rascal a star and garter, and attempt to bribe a young rogue, who set no value upon money, with a lucrative employment. I pursue methods as opposite as the poles, and therefore my administration has been attended with a different effect."

"Patriots," says Walpole, "spring up like mushrooms. I could raise fifty of them within four-and-twenty hours. I have raised many of them in one night. It is but refusing to gratify an unreasonable or insolent demand, and up starts a patriot."

DCCI.--BOSWELL'S "LIFE OF JOHNSON."

WHEN Boswell's "Life of Johnson," first made its appearance, Boswell was so full of it that he could neither think nor talk of anything else: so much so, that meeting Lord Thurlow hurrying through Parliament Street to get to the House of Lords, where an important debate was expected, and for which he was already too late, Boswell had the temerity to stop and accost him with "Have you read my book?"--"Yes, ---- you!" replied Lord Thurlow, "every word of it; I could not help myself."

DCCII.--VERY LIKE A WHALE.

THE first of all the royal infant males
Should take the title of the Prince of Wales;
Because 'tis clear to seamen and to lubber,
Babies and whales are both inclined to blubber.

DCCIII.--A NEW SIGN.

A DRUNKEN fellow coming by a shop, asked an apprentice boy what the sign was. He answered, that it was a sign he was drunk.

DCCIV.--FALSE QUANTITIES.

A YOUNG man who, on a public occasion, makes a false quantity at the outset of life, can seldom or never get over it.

DCCV.--NOT TRUE.

A LADY was asked by her friends if she really intended to marry Mr. ----, who was a good kind of a man, but so very singular. "Well," replied the lady, "if he is very much unlike other men, he is more likely to make a good husband."

DCCVI.--BETTING.

THE folly of betting is well satirized in one of Walpole's Letters: "Sept. 1st, 1750,--They have put in the papers a good story made at White's. A man dropped down dead at the door, and was carried in; the club immediately made bets whether he was dead or not, and when they were going to bleed him the wagerers for his death interposed, and said it would affect the fairness of the bet."

DCCVII.--FIRE AND WATER.

PADDY being asked if he thought of doing something, which, for his own part, he deemed very unlikely, he said he should "as soon think of attempting to light a cigar at a pump."

DCCVIII.--THE RAILROAD ENGINEER.

THOUGH a railroad, learned Rector,
Passes near your parish spire;
Think not, sir, your Sunday lecture
E'er will overwhelmed expire.
Put not then your hopes in weepers,
Solid work my road secures;
Preach whate'er you will--my sleepers
Never will awaken yours.

These lines will be read with a deep interest, as being literally the last ever written by their highly-gifted and deeply-lamented author,--James Smith.

DCCIX.--THE SPECIFIC GRAVITY OF FOLLY.

COLERIDGE once dined in company with a grave-looking person, an admirable listener, who said nothing, but smiled and nodded, and thus impressed the poet with an idea of his intelligence. "That man is a philosopher," thought Coleridge. At length, towards the end of the dinner, some apple-dumplings were placed on the table, and the listener no sooner saw them than, almost jumping from his chair, he exclaimed, "Them's the jockeys for me;"

DCCX.--EQUALITY.

A HIGHWAYMAN and a chimney-sweeper were condemned to be hanged the same time at Tyburn,--the first for an exploit on the highway, the latter for a more ignoble robbery. "Keep farther off, can't you?" said the highwayman, with some disdain. "Sir," replied the sweep, "I won't keep off; I have as much right to be here as you!"

DCCXI.--A CANDID COUNSEL.

AN Irish counsel being asked by the judge for whom was he concerned, replied, "I am concerned for the plaintiff, but I'm retained by the defendant."

DCCXII.--TRADE AGAINST LAND.

WHEN the late Mr. Whitbread's father, the brewer, first opposed the Duke of Bedford's interest at Bedford, the Duke informed him that he would spend £50,000 rather than he should come in. Whitbread, with true English spirit, replied, that was nothing; the sale of his grains would pay for that.