The Jest Book

15. A Grunt

MCDXXVIII.--A GRUNT.

"DOCTOR, when we have sat together some time, you'll find my brother very entertaining."--"Sir," said Johnson, "I can wait."

MCDXXIX.--ONE FAULT.

"SHE is insupportable," said a wit with marked emphasis, of one well known; but, as if he had gone too far, he added, "It is her only defect."

MCDXXX.--TO THE "COMING" MAN.

SMART waiter, be contented with thy state,
The world is his who best knows how to wait.

MCDXXXI.--NOTHING TO BOAST OF.

"THE British empire, sir," exclaimed an orator, "is one on which the sun never sets."--"And one," replied an auditor, "in which the tax-gatherer never goes to bed."

MCDXXXII.--COLONIAL BREWERIES.

WHAT two ideas are more inseparable than Beer and Britannia? what event more awfully important to an English colony, than the erection of its first brewhouse?--S.S.

MCDXXXIII.--A CLOSER.

SOME person caused the following inscription to be placed over the door of a house, "Let nothing enter here but what is good."--"Then where will the master go in?" asked a cynic.

MCDXXXIV.--THE FOOL OR KNAVE.

THY praise or dispraise is to me alike;
One doth not stroke me, nor the other strike.

MCDXXXV.--KNOWING HIS MAN.

AN attorney, not celebrated for his probity, was robbed one night on his way from Wicklow to Dublin. His father meeting Baron O'Grady next day, said, "My lord, have you heard of my son's robbery?"--"No," replied the baron; "whom did he rob?"

MCDXXXVI.--A GOOD REASON FOR A BAD CAUSE.

AN eminent counsellor asked another why he so often undertook bad causes. "Sir," answered the lawyer, "I have lost so many good ones, that I am quite at a loss which to take."

MCDXXXVII.--SELF-APPLAUSE.

SOME persons can neither stir hand nor foot without making it clear they are thinking of themselves, and laying little traps for approbation.--S.S.

MCDXXXVIII.--A WOODEN JOKE.

BURKE said of Lord Thurlow, "He was a sturdy oak at Westminster, and a willow at St James's."

MCDXXXIX.--AN OLD ADAGE REFUTED.

A SCHOLAR having fallen into the hands of robbers was fastened to a tree, and left so nearly a whole day, till one came and unloosed him. "Now," says he, "the old adage must be false, which saith that the tide tarrieth for no man."

MCDXL.--THEATRICAL PURGATIONS.

A DRAMATIC author once observed that he knew nothing so terrible as reading his piece before a critical audience. "I know but one more terrible," said Compton, the actor, "to be obliged to sit and hear it."

MCDXLI.--ALL THE SAME.

IN Edinburgh resided a gentleman, who is as huge, though not so witty, as Falstaff. It is his custom when he travels to book two places, and thus secure half the inside to himself. He once sent his servant to book him to Glasgow. The man returned with the following pleasing intelligence: "I've booked you, sir; there weren't two inside places left, so I booked you one in and one out."

MCDXLII.--THE PRINCIPLE OF GOVERNMENTS.

I SHALL not easily forget the sarcasm of Swift's simile as he told us of the Prince of Orange's harangue to the mob of Portsmouth. "We are come," said he, "for your good--for all your goods."--"A universal principle," added Swift, "of all governments; but, like most other truths, only told by mistake."

MCDXLIII.--DR. WALCOT'S APPLICATION FOR SHIELD'S IVORY OPERA PASS.

SHIELD, while the supplicating poor
Ask thee for meat with piteous moans;
More humble I approach thy door,
And beg for nothing but thy bones.

MCDXLIV.--COOKING HIS GOOSE.

THE performers rallying Cooke one morning, in the green room, on the awkward cut of a new coat, he apologized, by saying, "It was his tailor's fault."--"Yes, poor man," said Munden, "and his misfortune too!"

MCDXLV.--TAKE WARNING!

A BARRISTER who had retired from practice, said: "If any man was to claim the coat upon my back, and threaten my refusal with a lawsuit, he should certainly have it; lest, in defending my coat, I should, too late, find that I was deprived of my waistcoat also."

MCDXLVI.--"THE WIDE, WIDE SEA."

HOOD says that, "A Quaker loves the ocean for its broad brim."

MCDXLVII.--CONDITIONAL AGREEMENT.

DR. A----, when dangerously ill at an hotel, was applied to by the landlord to pass his bill. The doctor, observing that all the charges were very high, wrote at the bottom of the account, "If I die, I pass this account; if I live, I'll examine it."

MCDXLVIII.--ON A SQUINTING POETESS.

TO no one muse does she her glance confine, But has an eye, at once, to all the nine.

MCDXLIX.--A NEAT SUGGESTION.

A WELSH judge, celebrated as a suitor for all sorts of places and his neglect of personal cleanliness, was thus addressed by Mr. Jekyll: "As you have asked the Ministry for everything else, ask them for a piece of soap and a nailbrush."

MCDL.--SCOTCH "WUT."

IT requires (says Sydney Smith) a surgical operation to get a joke well into a Scotch understanding. Their only idea of wit, or rather that inferior variety of the electric talent which prevails occasionally in the North, and which, under the name of Wut, is so infinitely distressing to people of good taste, is laughing immoderately at stated intervals. They are so imbued with metaphysics that they even make love metaphysically. I overheard a young lady of my acquaintance, at a dance in Edinburgh, exclaim, in a sudden pause of the music, "What you say, my lord, is very true of love in the aibstract, but----" Here the fiddlers began fiddling furiously, and the rest was lost.

MCDLI.--WHERE IT CAME FROM.

A LADY, whose fondness for generous living had given her a flushed face and rubicund nose, consulted Dr. Cheyne. Upon surveying herself in the glass, she exclaimed, "Where in the name of wonder, doctor, did I get such a nose as this?"--"Out of the decanter, madam," replied the doctor.

MCDLII.--QUIN AND CHARLES I.

QUIN sometimes said a wise thing. Disputing concerning the execution of Charles I.,--"By what laws," said his opponent, "was he put to death?" Quin replied, "By all the laws that he had left them."

MCDLIII.--TIMELY FLATTERY.

A GENTLEMAN was asked by Mrs. Woffington, what difference there was between her and her watch; to which he instantly replied, "Your watch, madam, makes us remember the hours, and you make us forget them."

MCDLIV.--EPIGRAM ON TWO CONTRACTORS.

TO gull the public two contractors come,
One pilfers corn,--the other cheats in rum.
Which is the greater knave, ye wits explain,
A rogue in spirit, or a rogue in grain?

MCDLV.--TRAVELLERS SEE STRANGE THINGS.

A TRAVELLER, when asked whether, in his youth, he had gone through Euclid, was not quite sure, but he thought it was a small village between Wigan and Preston.

MCDLVI.--AN UNCONSCIOUS INSULT.

A FRENCHMAN, who had learned English, wished to lose no opportunity of saying something pretty. One evening he observed to Lady R., whose dress was fawn color, and that of her daughter pink, "Milady, your daughter is de pink of beauty."--"Ah, monsieur, you Frenchmen always flatter."--"No, madam, I only do speak the truth, and what all de world will allow, that your daughter is de pink, and you are de drab of fashion."

MCDLVII.--A CLOSE TRANSLATION.

A COUNTRY gentleman, wishing to be civil to Dr. B----, a translator of Juvenal, said, "What particularly convinces me of the faithfulness of your translation is, that in places where I do not understand Juvenal, I likewise do not understand you."

MCDLVIII.--NEW RELATIONSHIP.

A STRANGER to law courts hearing a judge call a sergeant "brother," expressed his surprise. "O," said one present, "they are brothers,--brothers-in-law."

MCDLIX.--ONLY A NINEPIN.

THE Earl of Lonsdale was so extensive a proprietor, and patron of boroughs, that he returned nine members to Parliament, who were facetiously called Lord Lonsdale's ninepins. One of the members thus designated, having made a very extravagant speech in the House of Commons, was answered by Mr. Burke in a vein of the happiest sarcasm, which elicited from the House loud and continued cheers. Mr. Fox, entering the House just as Mr. Burke was sitting down, inquired of Sheridan what the House was cheering. "O, nothing of consequence," replied Sheridan, "only Burke has knocked down one of Lord Lonsdale's ninepins."

MCDLX.--DR. WALCOT'S REQUEST FOR IVORY TICKETS, SENT TO SHIELD, THE COMPOSER.

SON of the string (I do not mean Jack Ketch,
Though Jack, like thee, produceth dying tones),
Oh, yield thy pity to a starving wretch,
And for to-morrow's treat pray send thy bones;

MCDLXI.--DIFFICULTIES IN EITHER CASE.

ONE evening, at a private party at Oxford, at which Dr. Johnson was present, a recently published essay on the future life of brutes was referred to, and a gentleman, disposed to support the author's opinion that the lower animals have an "immortal part," familiarly remarked to the doctor, "Really, sir, when we see a very sensible dog, we don't know what to think of him." Johnson, turning quickly round, replied, "True, sir; and when we see a very foolish fellow, we don't know what to think of him."

MCDLXII.--A PROFESSIONAL AIM.

IN a duel between two attorneys, one of them shot away the skirt of the other's coat. His second, observing the truth of his aim, declared that had his friend been engaged with a client he would very probably have hit his pocket.

MCDLXIII.--FLYING COLORS.

SIR GODFREY KNELLER latterly painted more for profit than for praise, and is said to have used some whimsical preparations in his colors, which made them work fair and smoothly off, but not endure. A friend, noticing it to him, said, "What do you think posterity will say, Sir Godfrey Kneller, when they see these pictures some years hence?"--"Say!" replied the artist: "why, they'll say Sir Godfrey Kneller never painted them!"

MCDLXIV.--AN ENTERTAINING PROPOSITION.

A POMPOUS fellow made a very inadequate offer for a valuable property; and, calling the next day for an answer, inquired of the gentleman if he had entertained his proposition. "No," replied the other, "your proposition entertained me."

MCDLXV.--UNION OF OPPOSITES.

A PHRENOLOGIST remarking that some persons had the organ of murder and benevolence strongly and equally developed, his friend replied, "that doubtless those were the persons who would kill one with kindness."

MCDLXVI.--EPIGRAM.

(On ----'s Veracity.)

HE boasts about the truth I've heard,
And vows he'd never break it;
Why, zounds, a man must keep his word
When nobody will take it.

MCDLXVII.--AN UNTAXED LUXURY.

A LADY having remarked in company that she thought there should be a tax on "the single state"; "Yes, madam," rejoined an obstinate old bachelor, "as on all other luxuries."

MCDLXVIII.--A DEAR SPEAKER.

SOON after the Irish members were admitted into the House of Commons, on the union of the kingdom in 1801, one of them, in the middle of his maiden speech, thus addressed the chair: "And now, my dear Mr. Speaker," etc. This excited loud laughter. As soon as the mirth had subsided, Mr. Sheridan observed, "that the honorable member was perfectly in order; for, thanks to the ministers, now-a-days everything is dear."

MCDLXIX.--ABSURDLY LOGICAL.

A MAD Quaker (wrote Sydney Smith) belongs to a small and rich sect; and is, therefore, of greater importance than any other mad person of the same degree in life.

MCDLXX.--PROOF POSITIVE.

A CHEMIST asserted that all bitter things were hot. "No," said a gentleman present, "there is a bitter cold day."

MCDLXXI.--PLAYER, OR LORD.

ONE day, at a party in Bath, Quin said something which caused a general murmur of delighted merriment. A nobleman present, who was not distinguished for the brilliancy of his ideas, exclaimed: "What a pity 'tis, Quin, my boy, that a clever fellow like you should be a player;" Quin, fixing and flashing his eyes upon the speaker, replied: "Why! what would your lordship have me be?--a lord?"

MCDLXXII.--IN MEMORIAM.

SOYER is gone! Then be it said,
At last, indeed, great PAN is dead.

MCDLXXIII.--PRIME'S PRESERVATIVE.

SERGEANT PRIME had a remarkably long nose, and being one day out riding, was flung from his horse, and fell upon his face in the middle of the road. A countryman, who saw the occurrence, ran hastily up, raised the sergeant from the mire, and asked him if he was much hurt. The sergeant replied in the negative. "I zee, zur," said the rustic, grinning, "yer ploughshare saved ye!"

MCDLXXIV.--A SHARP BRUSH.

SHERIDAN was down at Brighton one summer, when Fox, the manager, desirous of showing him some civility, took him all over the theatre, and, exhibited its beauties. "There, Mr. Sheridan," said Fox, who combined twenty occupations, without being clever in any, "I built and painted all these boxes, and I painted all these scenes."--"Did you?" said Sheridan, surveying them rapidly; "well, I should not, I am sure, have known you were a Fox by your brush."

MCDLXXV.--NOT SO "DAFT" AS REPUTED.

THERE was a certain "Daft Will," who was a privileged haunter of Eglington Castle and grounds. He was discovered by the noble owner one day taking a near cut, and crossing a fence in the demesne. The earl called out, "Come back, sir, that's not the road."--"Do ye ken," said Will, "whaur I'm gaun?"--"No," replied his lordship. "Weel, hoo the deil do ye ken whether this be the road or no?"

MCDLXXVI.--PICKING POCKETS.

"THESE beer-shops," quoth Barnabas, speaking in alt,
"Are ruinous,--down with the growers of malt!"
"Too true," answers Ben, with a shake of the head, "Wherever they congregate, honesty's dead.
That beer breeds dishonesty causes no wonder,
'Tis nurtured in crime,--'tis concocted in plunder;
In Kent while surrounded by flourishing crops,
I saw a rogue picking a pocket of hops."

MCDLXXVII.--HUSBANDING HIS RESOURCES.

A WAG, reading in one of Brigham Young's manifestoes, "that the great resources of Utah are her women," exclaimed, "It is very evident that the prophet is disposed to husband his resources."

MCDLXXVIII.--SMOOTHING IT DOWN.

A CLIENT remarked to his solicitor, "You are writing my bill on very rough paper, sir."--"Never mind," was the reply of the latter, "it has to be filed before it comes into court."

MCDLXXIX.--MAKING FREE WITH THE WAIST.

CURRAN, in cross-examining the chief witness of a plaintiff in an action for an assault, obliged him to acknowledge that the plaintiff had put his arm round the waist of Miss D----, which had provoked the defendant to strike him: "Then, sir, I presume," said Curran, "he took that waist for common?"

MCDLXXX.--A HOPELESS INVASION.

ADMIRAL BRIDPORT, speaking of the threatened invasion by the French in 1798, dryly observed, "They might come as they could; for his own part, he could only say that they should not come by water."

MCDLXXXI.--DROLL TO ORDER.

ONE evening, a lady said to a small wit, "Come, Mr. ----, tell us a lively anecdote," and the poor fellow was mute during the remainder of the evening. "Favor me with your company on Wednesday evening, you are such a lion," said a weak party-giver to a young author. "I thank you," replied the wit; "but on that evening I am engaged to eat fire at the Countess of ----, and stand upon my head at Mrs. ----."

MCDLXXXII.--MEN OF WEIGHT.

IF fat men ride, they tire the horse,
And if they walk themselves--that's worse:
Travel at all, they are at best,
Either oppressors or opprest.

MCDLXXXIII.--CHEMICAL ODDITY.

WHILE an ignorant lecturer was describing the nature of gas, a blue-stocking lady inquired of a gentleman near her, what was the difference between oxygin and hydrogin? "Very little, madam," said he; "by oxygin we mean pure gin; and by hydrogin, gin and water."

MCDLXXXIV.--AN APISH RESEMBLANCE.

CHARLES LAMB used to say, that he had a great dislike to monkeys, on the principle that "it was not pleasant to look upon one's poor relations."

MCDLXXXV.--HE WHO SUNG "THE LAYS OF ANCIENT ROME."

LORD MACAULAY, passing one day through the Seven Dials, bought a handful of ballads from some street-folks who were bawling out their contents to a gaping audience. Proceeding on his way home, he was astonished to find himself followed by half a score of urchins, their faces beaming with expectation. "Now then, my lads, what is it?" said he. "O, that's a good 'un," replied one of the boys, "after we've come all this way."--"But what are you waiting for?" said the historian, astonished at the lad's familiarity. "Waiting for! why ain't you going to sing, guv'ner?"

MCDLXXXVI.--DEATH-BED FORGIVENESS.

A VETERAN Highlander, between whose family and that of a neighboring chieftain had existed a long hereditary feud, being on his death-bed, was reminded that this was the time to forgive all his enemies, even he who had most injured him. "Well, be it so," said the old Gael, after a short pause, "be it so; go tell Kinmare I forgive him,--but my curses rest upon my son if ever he does."

MCDLXXXVII.--A REASONABLE PREFERENCE.

WHETHER tall men or short men are best,
Or bold men, or modest and shy men,
I can't say, but this I protest,
All the fair are in favor of Hy-men.

MCDLXXXVIII.--A DEAR BARGAIN.

QUIN was one day lamenting that he grew old, when a shallow impertinent young fellow said to him, "What would you give to be as young as I am?"--"By the powers," replied Quin, "I would even submit to be almost as foolish;"

MCDLXXXIX.--SUGGESTIVE REPUDIATION.

LORD BYRON was once asked by a friend in the green-room of the Drury Lane Theatre, whether he did not think Miss Kelly's acting in the "Maid and the Magpie" exceedingly natural. "I really am no judge," answered his lordship, "I was never innocent of stealing a spoon."

MCDXC.--NO INTRUSION.

A LOQUACIOUS author, after babbling some time about his piece to Sheridan, said, "Sir, I fear I have been intruding on your attention."--"Not at all, I assure you," replied he, "I was thinking of something else."

MCDXCI.--EXPERIMENTUM CRUCIS.

A MERCHANT being asked to define the meaning of experimental and natural philosophy, said he considered the first to be asking a man to discount a bill at a long date, and the second his refusing to do it.

MCDXCII.--NOT AT ALL ANXIOUS.

A MAN very deeply in debt, being reprimanded by his friends for his disgraceful situation, and the anxiety of a debtor being urged by them in very strong expressions: "Ah!" said he, "that may be the case with a person who thinks of paying."

MCDXCIII.--ODD HUMOR.

WHEN Lord Holland was on his death-bed, his friend George Selwyn called to inquire how his Lordship was, and left his card. This was taken to Lord Holland, who said: "If Mr. Selwyn calls again, show him into my room. If I am alive, I shall be glad to see him; if I am dead, I am sure that he will be delighted to see me."

MCDXCIV.--A TICKLISH OPENING.

HENRY ERSKINE happening to be retained for a client of the name of Tickle, began his speech in opening the case, thus: "Tickle, my client, the defendant, my lord,"--and upon proceeding so far was interrupted by laughter in court, which was increased when the judge (Lord Kaimes) exclaimed, "Tickle him yourself, Harry; you are as able to do so as I am."

MCDXCV.--THE REPUBLIC OF LETTERS.

HOOD suggests that the phrase "republic of letters" was hit upon to insinuate that, taking the whole lot of authors together, they had not got a sovereign amongst them.

MCDXCVI.--AN OFFENSIVE PREFERENCE.

A PERSON meeting with an acquaintance after a long absence, told him that he was surprised to see him, for he had heard that he was dead. "But," says the other, "you find the report false."--"'Tis hard to determine," he replied, "for the man that told me was one whose word I would sooner take than yours."

MCDXCVII.--SELF-CONDEMNATION.

A COUNTRY gentleman, walking in his garden, saw his gardener asleep in an arbor. "What!" says the master, "asleep, you idle dog, you are not worthy that the sun should shine on you."--"I am truly sensible of my unworthiness," answered the man, "and therefore I laid myself down in the shade."

MCDXCVIII.--AN ILLEGAL INDORSEMENT.

CURRAN having one day a violent argument with a country schoolmaster on some classical subject, the pedagogue, who had the worst of it, said, in a towering passion, that he would lose no more time, and must go back to his scholars. "Do, my dear doctor," said Curran, "but don't indorse my sins upon their backs."

MCDXCIX.--A PLUMPER.

A YOUNG gentleman, with a bad voice, preached a probation sermon for a very good lectureship in the city. A friend, when he came out of the pulpit, wished him joy, and said, "He would certainly carry the election, for he had nobody's voice against him but his own."

MD.--A PAINFUL EXAMINATION.

IN the course of an examination for the degree of B.A. in the Senate House, Cambridge, under an examiner whose name was Payne, one of the questions was, "Give a definition of happiness." To which a candidate returned the following laconic answer: "An exemption from Payne."

MDI.--BUSINESS AND PLEASURE.

A QUAKER (says Hood) makes a pleasure of his business, and then, for relaxation, makes a business of his pleasure.

MDII.--INFORMATION EASILY ACQUIRED.

A FRIEND, crossing Putney Bridge with Theodore Hook, observed that he had been informed that it was a very good investment, and inquired "if such were the case?"--"I don't know," was the answer; "but you ought, as you have just been tolled."

MDIII.--A WALKING STICK.

AN old gentleman accused his servant of having stolen his stick. The man protested perfect innocence. "Why, you know," rejoined his master, "that the stick could never have walked off with itself."--"Certainly not, sir, unless it was a walking-stick."

MDIV.--CHARITY AND INCONVENIENCE.

IT is objected, and we admit often with truth, that the wealthy are ready to bestow their money, but not to endure personal inconvenience. The following anecdote is told in illustration: A late nobleman was walking in St. James's Street, in a hard frost, when he met an agent, who began to importune his Grace in behalf of some charity which had enjoyed his support. "Put me down for what you please," peevishly exclaimed the Duke; "but don't keep me in the cold."

MDV.--A REASON FOR BELIEF.

"DO you believe in the apostolical succession?" inquired one of Sydney Smith. "I do," he replied: "and my faith in that dogma dates from the moment I became acquainted with the Bishop of ----, who is so like Judas."

MDVI.--OPENLY.

NO, Varus hates a thing that's base;
I own, indeed, he's got a knack
Of flattering people to their face,
But scorns to do 't behind their back.

MDVII.--PAINTED CHARMS.

OF a celebrated actress, who, in her declining days, bought charms of carmine and pearl-powder, Jerrold said, "Egad! she should have a hoop about her, with a notice upon it, 'Beware of the paint.'"

MDVIII.--ON THE SPOT.

TWO Oxonians dining together, one of them noticing a spot of grease on the neck-cloth of his companion, said, "I see you are a Grecian."--"Pooh!" said the other, "that is far-fetched."--"No, indeed," said the punster, "I made it on the spot."

MDIX.--MR. ERSKINE'S FIRMNESS.

IN the famous trial of the Dean of Asaph, Mr. Erskine put a question to the jury, relative to the meaning of their verdict. Mr. Justice Buller objected to its propriety. The counsel reiterated his question, and demanded an answer. The judge again interposed his authority in these emphatic words: "Sit down, Mr. Erskine; know your duty, or I shall be obliged to make you know it." Mr. Erskine with equal warmth replied, "I know my duty as well as your lordship knows your duty. I stand here as the advocate of a fellow citizen, and I will not sit down." The judge was silent, and the advocate persisted in his question.

MDX.--A SHUFFLING ANSWER.

A FAIR devotee lamented to her confessor her love of gaming. "Ah! madam," replied the reverend gentleman, "it is a grievous sin;--in the first place consider the loss of time."--"That's just what I do," said she; "I always begrudge the time that is lost in shuffling and dealing."

MDXI.--THE DEBT PAID.

TO John I owed great obligation;
But John, unhappily, thought fit
To publish it to all the nation:
Sure John and I am more than quit.

MDXII.--A UTILITARIAN INQUIRY.

JAMES SMITH one night took old Mr. Twiss to hear Mathews in his At Home, to the whole of which the mathematician gave devoted attention. At the close, Mr. Smith asked him whether he had not been surprised and pleased. "Both," replied Mr. Twiss, "but what does it all go to prove?"

MDXIII.--AN OBJECTIONABLE PROCESS.

GENERAL D---- was more distinguished for gallantry in the field than for the care he lavished upon his person. Complaining, on a certain occasion, to the late Chief-Justice Bushe, of Ireland, of the sufferings he endured from rheumatism, that learned and humorous judge undertook to prescribe a remedy. "You must desire your servant," he said to the general, "to place every morning by your bedside a tub three-parts filled with warm water. You will then get into the tub, and having previously provided yourself with a pound of yellow soap, you must rub your whole body with it, immersing yourself occasionally in the water, and at the end of a quarter of an hour, the process concludes by wiping yourself dry with towels, and scrubbing your person with a flesh-brush."--"Why," said the general, after reflecting for a minute or two, "this seems to be neither more nor less than washing one's self."--"Well, I must confess," rejoined the judge, "it is open to that objection."

MDXIV.--EPIGRAM.

(Upon the late Duke of Buckingham's moderate reform.)

FOR Buckingham to hope to pit
His bill against Lord Grey's is idle;
Reform, when offered bit by bit,
Is but intended for a bridle.

MDXV.--A DREADFUL SUSPICION.

A GENTLEMAN leaving the company, somebody who sat next to Dr. Johnson asked who he was. "I cannot exactly tell you sir," replied the doctor, "and I should be loath to speak ill of any person whom I do not know deserves it, but I am afraid he is an attorney."

MDXVI.--A FAMILIAR FRIEND.

SYDNEY SMITH was annoyed one evening by the familiarity of a young gentleman, who, though a comparative stranger, was encouraged by Smith's jocular reputation to address him by his surname alone. Hearing the young man say that he was going that evening to see the Archbishop of Canterbury for the first time, the reverend wit interposed, "Pray don't clap him on the back, and call him Howley."

MDXVII.--NO MUSIC IN HIS SOUL.

LORD NORTH, who had a great antipathy to music, being asked why he did not subscribe to the Ancient Concerts, and it being urged as a reason for it that his brother the Bishop of Winchester did, "Ay," replied his lordship, "if I was as deaf as my brother, I would subscribe too."

MDXVIII.--PROFESSIONAL CANDOR.

A GENTLEMAN afflicted with rheumatism consulted a physician, who immediately wrote him a prescription. As the patient was going away the doctor called him back. "By the way, sir, should my prescription happen to afford you any relief, please to let me know, as I am myself suffering from a similar affection, and have tried in vain to cure it."

MDXIX.--TELL IT NOT IN ENGLAND.

LADY CARTERET, wife of the Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland, in Swift's time, one day said to the wit, "The air of this country is very good."--"Don't say so in England, my lady," quickly replied the dean, "for if you do they will certainly tax it."

MDXX.--FASHION AND VIRTUE.

"WHAT'S fashionable, I'll maintain
Is always right," cries sprightly Jane;
"Ah! would to Heaven," cries graver Sue,
"What's right were fashionable too."

MDXXI.--PROFESSIONAL COMPANIONS.

A GENTLEMAN, who was dining with another, praised the meat very much, and inquired who was his butcher. "His name is Addison."--"Addison!" echoed the guest; "pray is he any relation to the poet?"--"I can't say: but this I know, he is seldom without his Steel by his side."

MDXXII.--WHY MASTER OF THE HOUSE.

A TRAVELLER coming up to an inn door, said: "Pray, friend, are you the master of this house?"--"Yes, sir," answered Boniface, "my wife has been dead these three weeks."

MDXXIII.--PRECAUTIONARY.

LORD JOHN RUSSELL, remarkable for the smallness of his person as Lord Nugent was for the reverse, was expected at a house where Sydney Smith was a guest. "Lord John comes here to-day," said Sydney Smith, "his corporeal anti-part, Lord Nugent, is already here. Heaven send he may not swallow John; There are, however, stomach-pumps in case of accident."

MDXXIV.--A LATE DISCOVERER.

A VERY dull man, after dinner, had been boring the company with a long discourse, in the course of which he had given utterance to ethical views as old as the hills, as though he had just discovered them. When he had done repeating his truisms, Charles Lamb gravely said: "Then, sir, you are actually prepared to maintain that a thief is not altogether a moral man."

MDXXV.--LINES TO O'KEEFE.

(Said to be written by Peter Pindar.)

THEY say, O'Keefe,
Thou art a thief,
That half thy works are stolen or more;
I say O'Keefe,
Thou art no thief,
Such stuff was never writ before!

MDXXVI.--PROFESSION AND PRACTICE.

A YOUNG lawyer who had been "admitted" about a year, was asked by a friend, "How do you like your new profession?" The reply was accompanied by a brief sigh to suit the occasion: "My profession is much better than my practice."

MDXXVII.--A RISKFUL ADVENTURE.

MR. REYNOLDS, the dramatist, once met a free and easy actor, who told him that he had passed three festive days at the seat of the Marquis and Marchioness of ----, without any invitation. He had gone there on the assumption that as my lord and lady were not on speaking terms, each would suppose the other had asked him, and so it turned out.

MDXXVIII.--WONDERFUL UNANIMITY.

JUDGE CLAYTON was an honest man, but not a profound lawyer. Soon after he was raised to the Irish bench, he happened to dine in company with Counsellor Harwood, celebrated for his fine brogue, his humor, and his legal knowledge. Clayton began to make some observations on the Laws of Ireland. "In my country" (England), said he, "the laws are numerous, but then one is always found to be a key to the other. In Ireland it is just the contrary; your laws so perpetually clash with one another, and are so very contradictory, that I protest I don't understand them."--"True, my lord," cried Harwood, "that is what we all say."

MDXXIX.--A MICHAELMAS MEETING.

SAMUEL TAYLOR COLERIDGE was so bad a horseman, that when mounted he generally attracted unfavorable notice. On a certain occasion he was riding along a turnpike road, in the county of Durham, when he was met by a wag, who, mistaking his man, thought the rider a good subject for sport. "I say, young man," cried the rustic, "did you see a tailor on the road?"--"Yes, I did; and he told me that, if I went a little further, I should meet a goose."

MDXXX.--A TYPOGRAPHICAL TRANSFER.

THE editor of the Evangelical Observer, in reference to a certain person, took occasion to write that he was rectus in ecclesia, i.e., in good standing in the church. The compositor, in the editor's absence, converted it into rectus in culina, which although not very bad Latin, altered the sense very materially, giving the reverend gentleman a good standing in the kitchen.

MDXXXI.--EPIGRAM.

(Upon the trustworthiness of ---- ----.)

HE'LL keep a secret well, or I'm deceived,
For what he says will never be believed.

MDXXXII.--GOING TO EXTREMES.

WHEN ladies wore their dresses very low and very short, a wit observed that "they began too late and ended too soon."

MDXXXIII.--SILENT APPRECIATION.

A GENTLEMAN gave a friend some first-rate wine, which he tasted and drank, making no remark upon it. The owner, disgusted at his guest's want of appreciation, next offered some strong but inferior wine, which the guest had no sooner tasted than he exclaimed that it was excellent wine. "But you said nothing of the first" remarked his host "O," replied the other, "the first required nothing being said of it. It spoke for itself. I thought the second wanted a trumpeter."

MDXXXIV.--JUSTICE MIDAS.

A JUDGE, joking a young barrister, said, "If you and I were turned into a horse and an ass, which would you prefer to be?"--"The ass, to be sure," replied the barrister. "I've heard of an ass being made a judge, but a horse never."

MDXXXV.--A SIGNIFICANT DIFFERENCE.

AT an hotel at Brighton, Douglas Jerrold was dining with two friends, one of whom, after dinner, ordered "a bottle of old port."--"Waiter," added Jerrold, with a significant twinkle of his eye, "mind now; a bottle of your old port, not your elder port."

MDXXXVI.--LAW AND PHYSIC.

WHEN Dr. H. and Sergeant A. were walking arm-in-arm, a wag said to a friend, "These two are just equal to one highwayman."--"Why?" was the response. "Because it is a lawyer and a doctor--your money or your life."

MDXXXVII.--EUCLID REFUTED.

"A PART," says Euclid, "one at once may see,
Unto the whole can never equal be";
Yet W----'s speeches can this fact control,
Of them a part is equal to the whole.

MDXXXVIII.--KEEPING IT TO HIMSELF.

BURKE once mentioned to Fox that he had written a tragedy. "Did you let Garrick see it?" inquired his friend: "No," replied Burke; "though I had the folly to write it, I had the wit to keep it to myself."

MDXXXIX.--CLASSICAL WIT.

DR. MAGINN dining with a friend on ham and chicken, addressed Sukey Boyle, his friend's housekeeper, thus: "You know, Boyle, what old Ovid, in his 'Art of Love' (book iii.), says; I give you the same wish:--

"'Semper tibi pendeat hamus,'

May you always have a ham hanging in your kitchen." The doctor insisted that tea was well known to the Romans, "for," said he, "even in the time of Plautus it was a favorite beverage with the ladies,--

"'Amant te omnes mulieres.'"
Miles Glor., Act i., sc. i., v. 58.

Observing Sukey Boyle, he said to his friend, "Ah! John, I see you follow the old advice we both learned at school, [Greek: Charizou tê Psychê], 'Indulge yourself with Sukey.'" There was some hock at dinner, which he thus eulogized:--

"'Hoc tum sævas paulatim mitigat iras,
Hoc minuit luctus moestaque corda levat.'"
Ov. Trist., lib. iv., el. vi., v. 15, 16.

MDXL.--A PREFERABLE WAY.

ONE of the Kembles made his first appearance on the stage as an opera singer. His voice was, however, so bad, that at a rehearsal the conductor of the orchestra called out, "Mr. Kemble! Mr. Kemble! you are murdering the music!"--"My dear sir," was the quiet rejoinder, "it is far better to murder it outright, than to keep on beating it as you do."